paths

this is the path that leads outwards

how will it be

the path

that leads inwards???

autobiography of a pen..

i am a pen.red and shiny i am, but i have always written in blue..royally. she used to fondle me, kiss me, take me on her sojourns, through people, places and events...i have travelled so much...through pages and pages of her writing...her lucky pen she used to call me...

i remember her crying when she put me down accidentally one day, and dented my nib...(i still have a dented nib..and she reckons i write better that way..)and i so wanted to console her,write 'am OK. really!' on the white sheet of paper she had before her. but alas i couldn't. coz even though they call us mightier than the sword,we don't have a stand on our own. we cant stand up. nor can we express what we feel. we can write what our owners feel, what they want us to...nothing else...

i enjoyed running over pages, telling about all that she felt. ..made me cry sometimes,reading what she wrote. that's when i bled...and she went berserk at that coz bleed is what good pens are not supposed to do...if only she understood why i bled

i loved being with her. lucky pen she used to call me...and proud i was of that status...

i am on the wait now...for her to pick me up...and give me some exercise. i miss reading into her mind. i miss being the first person to know what she felt. i miss her. she never comes to me these days..i see her fingers flying over black and white keys, her eyes fixed on a flickering white screen...they are her friends now..and i am neglected. they print what she says...but they will never smell her hand, nor see her beautiful writing...they will never bleed for her...nor will they think for her...

i stay in her pen stand...waiting to taken in her arms again...drink in ink once more and spill it all out for her...but i guess i wait in vain...

pen!

days...

everyday seems to be the same...mundane doing things which make no sense to me. even if they do, they just don't register.books, texts, assignments...they make no sense to me..is this where i wanted to end up? i don't know...am not sure anymore..

incompetence is getting to me...i who never ever bothered about anything...at least nothing academically find myself in a group where people speak and talk about things that never ever mattered to me...when they should perhaps have...i find myself trying to come out of my comfort zone-the easy world.but then again i do not want to. for what do i achieve when i come out?

am not sure what i want. i am not sure where i want to be....

its frustrating when you know you have to work, and you do, but nothing ever seems enough...nothing..and while you are it, this voice nags from somewhere..this is not what you wanted..this is not where you wanted to be..and i counter it..if not this,then what?but this doesnt help...the voices in my head..screeching,bellowing,hollereing, all at once....it just doesnt help...

its frustrating when you cannot really tell anyone about what you are going through, coz for one thing you are clueless yourself...and for another you just dont want to tell it out lest you prove yourself weak...and yet another reason, you just dont want to let anyone down by narrating your feelings..

and yet i put them all on a public page like this...dint i tell you a short while ago that i dont know what i want...i just dont know...

writing

a screen...
white flickering white
a mind...
blank dull confused
thoughts...
muddled wild irrational

i sit
cold alone aloof
i hear
voices sounds noises
i see
everything and nothing

fingers move
on letters black
of thoughts unclear
impressions form
slowly, deliberately
testimony to thoughts?

i look around
am cold
am aloof
i dream of warmth

alter ego?alterd ego?

does everyone have an alter ego? is the 'other ' in me, which I've conveniently named 'Anamika'-the unnamed, my alter ego? i don't know. i had not even thought on such terms until about a few days ago when a friend f mine asked me that question. i consider Anamika to be the 'real' me. the one who does not have to wear a mask, or put up acts just to a part of this world, to blend in smoothly..differently yes, but not too conspicuously. Anamika is the unaffected me-the one who lives in contradictions, the one who is a child, yet so big, the one who craves for affection, yet oozes them to people who are dear...Anamika is genuine.

Anamika is subdued, yet wild, she knows not to hide, to cover up.Anamika is invisible-she chooses to be. even to vrinda, she is invisible often. yet again, she chooses persons whom she allows a glimpse of her. but has never bared herself completely to all. never willingly, only to the one who came in one day, clasped her hand and pulled her out of darkness, and unearthed her.

i ask myself. who am i? vrinda or anamika? vrinda lives, so does anamika...together hand in hand. is it vrinda in anamika or anamika in vrinda? who do I(the arbitrary I) love more? vrinda? anamika? if i love anamika more, why does the vrinda in me not allow her to be seen?

who am i scared of? that i keep anamika hidden? or is she so powerful as to remain hidden even when i want her to be seen?

does 'I' hold any value at all, if am unsure as to who i am....am i anamika? or am i Vrinda?

tagged!!

SO am entering the tagged world too...

for people new to tagging...here goes...

The RULES:
1. Post these rules
2. Each person tagged must post 8 random facts about themselves
3. Tags should write a journal/ blog of these facts
4. At the end of the post 8 more persons are tagged and named
5. Go to their page and leave a comment telling them they're tagged

here comes the facts..
1.i've never had a day in my life which i wished i never had. coz though some were hard on me, later reflections made me see how they were instrumental in many of my todays and perhaps tomorrows.

2. i love singing and listening to music...the first...ahem people...am i being a bit too inconsiderate? but am not sorry...coz i really do love singing

3.i've always wanted to join the army. but never applied. i've huge crushes on ppl in uniform

4.i cant stop wondering about one of the most poignant mysteries of all time...why doesn donald duck wear pants?

5.am a complete chocolate addict. dark chocs esp

6.am acutely sentimental and emotional...am not proud of it...but i guess i cant help it

7.am in love with my life

8.i can sleep throuh out the day, the night, evening and afternoon, sitting, standing and reposing.

and i tag:harishettan

suji

vini

scrappus

raven

matangi


Mood:I-Really-dont-know-anything-mood(p.s. am doing my assignments)
Listening :to the stupid dot matrix printer in our lab creaking away to glory
Reading: Blake: the life and works
Eating: nothing
Drinking: in the smells in the room(they have a good room freshner here)


so harishetta and suji thanks a lot for tagging me....

signing off for now

randomly rambled rambler

"Mein Aur Meri Tanhai, Aksar Ye Baaten Karte Hain
Tum Hotin To Kaisa Hota, Tum Ye Kehtin, Tum Vo Kehtin
Tum Is Baat Pe Hairan Hotin, Tum Us Baat Pe Kitni Hanstin
Tum Hotin To Aisa Hota, Tum Hotin To Vaisa Hota
Mein Aur Meri Tanhai, Aksar Ye Baaten Karte Hain

Ye Raat Hai, Ya Tumhari Zulfen Khuli Hui Hain
Hai Chandni Ya Tumhari Nazron Se, Meri Raaten Dhuli Hui Hain
Ye Chand Hai, Ya Tumhara Kangan, Sitaare Hain Ya Tumhara Aanchal
Hava Ka Jhonka Hai, Ya Tumhare Badan Ki Khushboo
Ye Pattiyon Ki Hai Sarsarahat, Ke Tumne Chupke Se Kuch Kaha Hai
Ye Sochta Hoon Maein Kabse Gumsum
Ki Jabki Mujhko Bhi Ye Khabar Hai, Ki Tum Nahin Ho, Kahin Nahin Ho
Magar Ye Dil Hai Ki Keh Raha Hai, Tum Yahin Ho, Yahin Kahin Ho
Majboor Ye Haalaat, Idhar Bhi Hain Udhar Bhi
Tanhai Ke Ye Raat, Idhar Bhi Hai Udhar Bhi
Kehne Ko Bahut Kuchh Hai, Magar Kis Se Kahen Hum
Kab Tak Yoonhi Khaamosh Rahen, Aur Sahen Hum
Dil Kehta Hai Duniya Ki Har Ik Rasm Utha Dein
Deewaar Jo Hum Dono Mein Hai, Aaj Gira Dein
Kyun Dil Mein Sulagte Rahein, Logon Ko Bata Dein
Haan Humko Mohabbat Hai... Mohabbat Hai... Mohabbat Hai...
Ab Dil Mein Yahi Baat, Idhar Bhi Hai, Udhar Bhi "

Coutesy: silsila. lyrics: Gulzar

one of the best romantic verses i've ever heard. couple that with the big B's voice..mindblowing. just simply amazing.

i wish i could have written this...oh how i wish...

randomly yours

am back again with my 'random ramblings' and this time i seriously have no idea about what to write. there is this loaded up feeling inside me which needs a release. i guess i need to write. but what? how? i dont know. i cant even think straight. my mind is swimming in a murky sea of countless emotions....of missing,love,anger,jealousy,regret,relief.....

i sigh!

what exactly am in missing? my home? my city? my friends? my comfort zones? my life? what is it that i love? me?the experience of being me? am angry.but at what? at the place that i am in now?my inabilty to control my emotions? am jealous. oh yes i am. am jealous.of people around me? i regret..my yesterdays? about what i have left behind? and then there is relief..of still finding myself awake each day and dancing to the tune of life?

Questions questions questions....and the answers. where are they?

i guess the most defining emotion that am going through now is anger... anger at people who speak so much about so many things...perhaps not meaning them at all...not knowing their worth. against people who trample so many beautiful moments like a used paper cup. against people who constantly remind me of what i miss and love whole heartedly, but for whom they mean nothing.am angry that i am angry. am scared that the demon inside me would come out and engulf me.am scared of mouthing feelings which i definitely should keep to myself. am scared of the new place i am in, where everyone is a stranger, where everyone, like me, is treading on thin ice, making rooms for themselves...while i am trying hard to find a niche. am angry that i feel weak. am angry that i cannot breakdown, lest it hurts many a dear one's expectation of me...am angry...yes i am

the sense of relief is minimal...it has long since succumbed to many a negative feeling. feelings i know that will do me no good,but those which am finding hard to fight.

if i could just cry out loud...loud enough for my voice to crack and loud enough for me to feel better(?) perhaps..but yet not loud enough for anyone to hear...

i sigh again

memories

come haunt me

when am bare and dry

pester me

let me not rest

wrench my heart

strangle me

make me cry

come tease me

when am up and about

tickle me

let my laughter ring

tease me

taunt me

watch me chortle

memories...

come with me....

show me what i was

what i am

what i became

memories....

leave me not

be mine forever

forget you i may want to

though pray

let me not

leave me not alone

come to me in my solitude

come to me in my loneliness

my mirror

to the days long past

moments long cherished

come to me...

let me not forget

It takes very little to make me happy…
The sound of rain, the fragrance of a book, soft music playing somewhere, watching clouds soar by, the sunset, voices of the night, the smell of earth after the rains, the rustle of leaves in the wind, a cup of hot strong coffee, a pillow to hug and sleep, getting wet in the rain, walking along a beach hand in hand with that special person, chocolate melting in my mouth, going to sleep at 3 am and waking up at 12 noon, singing aloud, writing in a new book…

It takes very little to put me off…
Absence of anything to read, having nothing to do, people squabbling, pessimism, a day without speaking to my loved ones, bad smells, animal slaughter, getting stuck while trying to write…

It takes very little to confuse me…
Is it better to do something and then wishing you had not done it? Or nor doing it at all? is it worth making your point if all you earn is a scowl on other’s faces? Why does money hold so much to people when they are aware it can never buy love? Why does Donald duck refuse to wear pants? How can people kill animals and eat them? And yet maintain that they are kind and gentle?...

It takes very little to hate me…
Am hot tempered, hot headed, frank to the point of being ruthlessly blunt, extremely moody, arrogant sometimes, stubborn most times, happen to be in the thick of too many things at once, without even wanting to, I scream, I slam doors, make books, glasses and spoons fly, get offended easily, get irritated easily…