i was here all along!!!

Looks like I have ended up

Where I began, again!

Though am not too sure

Where exactly I began

And began what exactly.

And yet am sure

I’ve been here before

The smells, the sounds,

The faces…

Is this the place I wanted to be?

The place that is to be my destiny?

Do I escape?

Do I turn around?

And run

But a coward I am not

Turn back I will not.

Is this where I wanted to be?

I guess so.

I didn’t turn back.

Forward did I go

And ended up

Nay

Found myself

In a place I was searching for

Not knowing

I was there all along.

Headlines today???

Aishwarya Rai to put mehendi on her left hand at sharp 8.30 pm tonight. Abhishek Bacchan confused about which sherwani to wear for sangeet…

No am not a reporter for any news channel. Though I could make it, if were to give these kind of above mentioned statements as “flash news” and “breaking news”. Seriously, who is interested in what color underwear Abhishek is wearing for his wedding or what brand of hair pin Aishwarya is going to wear? Not me. They can very well get married, oh yes. They can. But why should the whole country (that’s what it is being made to look like anyway) be sitting on pins and needles as if watching a super exciting climax scene in a James Bond movie to watch a wedding (!) of all the things. For all we know these people could very well divorce each other in days. Though am not wishing for that. God bless them and may they have a fulfilling life together. But heavens, don’t we have any thing else to see on TV?

A few weeks ago it was Arun Nayar and Liz Hurley wedding making ripples (!) along the world. It was the only “breaking news” many a news channel could report. Shocking! Ridiculous to the point of being ridiculously ridiculous.

I mean I would find it meaningful if they showcased this kind of news in their entertainment section or something of that sort. But breaking news?? Give me a break!!

Has media to stoop this low? Isn’t there anything called plain old traditional journalism? I would rather enjoy (!) a story about the Virginia tech shoot out or Rahul Gandhi’s election campaign than a half an hour video coverage of Richard Gere kissing Shilpa Shetty. And by the way I still can’t understand why the raucous was created on the kissing. If you can watch with lolling tongues Mallika Sherawat running around in bikini straps exposing not just a fair bit of her “plus points” why (the hell) should anyone oppose the kissing? Hypocrisy taking newer levels per day.

Sad state of affairs. I think I should restrict my TV watching to (ugh!!) K-serials. At least they are guaranteed to be ridiculous with all the saas-bahu and 5 generation long ‘stories’ at least you are not expected to take it seriously.

tell me not goodbye

tell me not goodbye

when all i want is

to be in your arms

look not at me like that

i just want to be yours

*

tell me not good bye

*

i stand with my heart

asleep in my soul

kiss it awake

and never let it sleep

let me be yours

for ever and for ever on

*

tell me not goodbye

*

to touch your face

to rustle your hair

to look at you forever

to love you till eternity

nothing else matters

nothing else counts

*

tell me not goodbye

*

tell me not goodbye
when all i want is
to be in your arms

tell me not goodbye

tell me not goodbye

death...

Death is something that has never failed to fascinate me. its just that fact that you never know what happens after death that drew me to it. and also a curiosity..what if i am dead today? will people around miss me? will a drop of tear be shed for me?

People wish they could live on and on...see people around them grow up, see their progeny make a name for themselves, perhaps even see their grand children grow up..the wishes and the wants never end...

A few months ago i held a fascination for death a bit more than usual. there were moments when i would contemplate the best time to die...would it be when am old and bent, when i have seen my children grow up and have my grandchildren hop on my lap? but then what if at that time i am bed ridden? when my sheer presence or my being alive becomes a burden to those around? what if i am unable to recognise the faces around me? what if all those dear ones with whom i had grown up has already left for god's abode? terror was something that seized me then.

Then i thought...i would like to die young. when my skin is still supple, my thoughts still fresh, when the people around me would never expect me to be absent in their life..that would ensure that i was missed..and that people would talk about me...but then that was grossly selfish. and am not made that way. why should i hope to die young when people around me would be struggling to come to terms with my absence...

somehow as the days went by, my thoughts and fascination associated with death ceased. i almost forgot my fascination. perhaps because i found a reason to live. a reason which drives out all negative thoughts from my mind and leaves me with a clean slate. if there is anything that i wouldn't even want to think of is the D word. it is heart crunching to even think of leaving the world. this time around it is not just because i want to live, but because there are people who need me to be alive. and without me would perhaps never 'live'.

i need to live. i want to. there is nothing bigger that i want. just to live.....for people who mean....

Khoon se khelenge holi gar vatan muskhil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Dekhna hai zor kitna baazu-e-qaatil mein hai
Karta nahin kyun doosra kuch baat-cheet

Dekhta hun main jise woh chup teri mehfil mein hai

Aye shaheed-e-mulk-o-millat main tere oopar nisaar

Ab teri himmat ka charcha ghair ki mehfil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Waqt aanay dey bata denge tujhe aye aasman

Hum abhi se kya batayen kya hamare dil mein hai

Khainch kar layee hai sab ko qatl hone ki ummeed

Aashiqon ka aaj jumghat koocha-e-qaatil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Hai liye hathiyaar dushman taak mein baitha udhar

Aur hum taiyyaar hain seena liye apna idhar

Khoon se khelenge holi gar vatan muskhil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Haath jin mein ho junoon katt te nahi talvaar se

Sar jo uth jaate hain voh jhukte nahi lalkaar se

Aur bhadkega jo shola-sa humaare dil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Hum to ghar se nikle hi the baandhkar sar pe kafan

Jaan hatheli par liye lo bhar chale hain ye qadam

Zindagi to apni mehmaan maut ki mehfil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Yuun khadaa maqtal mein qaatil kah rahaa hai baar baar

Kya tamannaa-e-shahaadat bhi kisee ke dil mein hai

Dil mein tuufaanon ki toli aur nason mein inqilaab

Hosh dushman ke udaa denge humein roko na aaj

Duur reh paaye jo humse dam kahaan manzil mein hai
Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai.

Dekhna hai zor kitna baazuay qaatil mein hai.

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna is a poem by the popular Indian revolutionary Ram Prasad Bismil. A song which I heard for the first time in the movie legend of Bhagat Singh, and then again in the movie rang de basanti.
Seeing Atul Kulkarni say the lines with fervor made the hairs on my hands stand up. Whether it was because of my liking for the actor, the way he rendered the lines or the sheer power of the lines, am not sure.
Rang De Basanti was on TV recently. One of my all time favourite movies, one which I have seen not less than 5 times. I enjoy every bit of it. The humor, the wit, sarcasm and the reticent romance, and the indispensable feel of patriotism.
I love the part when R.Madhavan says “har desh perfect nahi hoti. Use perfect banana padta hein”. Brilliant!! How true! We never tire ourselves comparing our ‘impoverished’ motherland to the giants like America and the like. But how many of us do actually even dream of making a better India ? How many of us even dare to dream of a better India ? All we people know is to get a B-degree from somewhere and fly of to a foreign land, making big bucks and licking the asses of those people who we tried so hard to kick out.
It is a sad state of affairs when we need movies like RDB and Bhagat Singh to bring out the patriot in us. It is true in my case too. I watch these movies; I love them by the way, and for a maximum of 2-3 days am smitten by the patriotic bug. The only songs I sing and listen to then, are the "e mere watan ke logon"s and "sarfaroshi ki tamanna"s. I dream of perhaps having been born at the time of the independence struggle, perhaps as someone who participated in the protest marches. All these are feelings which overpower me, but sadly only when a stimulus attacks. A stimulus like a (mere) bollywood movie. Sad!
There are quite a few lines in the movie(RDB) which are food for thought. For example when amir khan says “ zindgi jeene ki do tareekein hote hein. Ek jo hota hein hone do, bardasht karte jaao, aur doosra,zimmedari udhao usko badalne ki” I found myself thinking in which category I belonged to. And sadly (again!), I guess I fall into the former. Though somewhere there is a rebel in me. And though I consider it my weakness to actually wait for something, anything to bring out that rebel in me, I am at least relieved that there is a fire in which I term as ‘healthy patriotism’.
Though I am crippled by my family and others who care, about not letting me be in the army, or air force preferably, I quote bismil again "Even if I have to face death a thousand times for the sake of my Motherland, I shall not be sorry. Oh Lord! Grant me a hundred births in Bharath. But grant me this, too, that each time I may give up my life in the service of the Mother land."

My city- Cochin

Cochin is growing faster than most cities in India. This means that it is growing faster than most cities in the world and certainly faster than most cities in more economically developed countries. The consequence is more people, more buildings and more vehicles. Every month hundreds of new vehicles are registered in the city and this leads to ever greater congestion and air and noise pollution. The problems are exacerbated in less economically developed countries like India where people with little money keep old, inefficient and less environmentally-friendly vehicles on the road. These are responsible for far more fumes and noxious gases than modern vehicles. Also, many people put cheaper kerosene in their petrol tanks to save money but resulting in more pollution and less efficient engines. There are also fewer funds to police properly air and noise pollution sources and any infringements of pollution laws.

Cochin may be the real `happening' city in the State, galloping to the status of a metropolis. But perhaps the only aspect, at least for now, that elevates the city straight to this hall of (ill) fame, is the chaotic traffic system that chokes the city. Driving in Cochin is like working on a Six Sigma process. There are a million opportunities for a defect; in this case a process defect being defined as “getting a dent in your car”. A day with less than 3.4 scratches, dents or bent bumpers means that your driving for the day is Six Sigma qualified.
In India we have right hand drive. And it is common throughout the country, not particularly different in Cochin City. The only small hitch here is that we have a particular species of people called overtake-only-thru-the left drivers. They can at any given time create life hell for you. Then there are those bus drivers who act as if they are the greatest horn players in the world…honking and blaring for all they are worth, their musical extravaganza enjoyed by everyone except normal beings. With such varied species around; Cochin roads are a reflection of life itself. Like in life there are no road signs when u require it and you have to guess by the number of vehicles going into a particular road or open your inner eye and see whether it will lead you to MG road. And in this One-way city if miss a turn, you have to orbit the city like a dogged satellite to get near the same point.
Any visitor here or the regular commuters are left cursing the never-ending traffic snarls and the haphazard parking system in force here. It's true that numerous privately owned pre-paid parking areas have sprouted up in the city of late. But this does not in anyway ease the gravity of the prevailing situation that seems to get out of hand with every passing day. Strangely, the powers that be have not really put their heads together to address this situation.
Making hay of this confused state of affairs are the vehicle lifters, who have found Cochin a real goldmine for their nefarious activities. A look at the police records would show that vehicle owners of this city run a greater risk than those of the other cities in the State.
To make matters worse are the conditions of the roads in the city. The craters on moon could provide better pictures sometimes. To reduce the traffic menace in the city the, authorities are planning the building of flyovers. However, in my opinion, the only result of that will be more digging up of roads, and narrowing of existing roads that not even a fly can pass through.
Talking about flies; how can you forget mosquitoes; another remarkable phenomenon hereabouts. At around 5’O clock every evening we have the beginning of the ‘charge of the night brigade’. It goes on and on into the night entertaining you for all their might. Since the no: of software engineers are on the increase in Cochin, mosquitoes have a gala time with these “soft” targets. Dust, stagnant water bodies, open land, all these make it cosier for the mosquito wings to spread. And that quite makes sultry Cochin a happening place. But the city's number one mosquito breeding point adds a lot of other flavours too. The Thevara-Perandoor Canal is an epic by itself. The Canal which runs through the heart of the city, has been calling for mercy since time immemorial. Meat waste, including cow heads and goatskin, are a regular sight. Besides waste from hospitals and apartments give the water a dirty lustrous colour.
Cochin however never fails to attract tourists from around the world, throughout the year; after all, it is the commercial capital of Kerala-God’s Own Country. But, Cochin really needs to address its problems to keep on attracting tourists. Life has become choking to people who live here and it is necessary that the authorities put in their effort to make life better for them.

mujhko bhi to lift karade!!!

nice song by adnan sami...but thats not what am planning to write on. what exactly are lifts for? to lift you up right? well it also aids in locking you up

lifts are some of the best places in the world. all you need to do is to punch in the floor u want to alight, and just wait for it to take you there. and if you are alone well you get a lot of uninterrupted time in front of the mirror. some luxury which i cant afford at home as there are a lot of people vying for their 30 mins(at least) of beautification and self appreciation( depreciation).

it was not different yesterday. i got in the lift, punched the number 6 with some difficulty, and the doors closed and we lurched forward. glad that i was alone, i turned my whole attention to the 8 feet X 3 feet big mirror, and set about setting right (or attempting to set right) my wind blown mess of a hair.

suddenly i found myself in pitch darkness.and the lift screeched to a stop. god!! a power failure. now how do i set my hair right? no seriously how do i get out? how long will i have to stay? will anyone know am stuck up here?

and then this thought came to mind, or rather the song...
nahi nahi
abhi nahi
thoda karo intezaar...

ideal/typical song situation if by any chance i was stuck up in the lift with that special person.

aw come on. who am i kidding. wat am i doing here wasting my time fantasizing when i should be thinking of what to do to get me out.

i tried prising the doors of the lift open. though the inner shutters opened i couldn for the life of me prise open the outer grill. worse i dint know which floor i was in. nor did i know (tho i guessed i was not) if the lift had come to stop at a floor.

brainwave!! what are mobile phones for? there was one obvious number i would punch. but it wouldn serve the purpose not now, other than perhaps just send that person in jitters too. so i kept my head on...(oh yes!! i do have one) and dialed up sir at the institute who i was pretty sure would be there.

thankfully sir and my batch mate could open the doors and out i jumped... glad i could finally get out. disappointed my hair was still a mess

red

i stand with my palette
the canvas bare
the brushes dry

what do i make?
a painting?
a slice of life?
life itself?

red oozes out of the tube
the brushes drip with it
the colour of birth
is splashed on to the canvas
-blood

a heart beats
for someone else
thumps,sighs
fills up with love
love is painted
red

somewhere a heart breaks
shatters
tears run down
for a heart so broken
tears which pain
tears which smell
of the red warm blood

someone flips a calender
searching for red
in the multitude of of black
a smile forms
a finger stops on a holiday
a red number

i pick up my brush again
and paint a life
emotions dripped in colour
a red sun rises
a new day begins

To my bestest friend

In friendship, few things matter the most, like faith, generosity and love. For faith strengthens the bond, generosity makes it precious and love makes it last 4ever. And our friendship is just the same, just as wonderful.

I never thought that one day you would be my friends, never dreamt that you would be such an inseparable part of me ,I never realized that time would refuse to tick for me if it wasn’t for you. But you have. You are my soul now. I am you and you are me. How did this happen? How could just two years with you give me that feeling of contentment when I am with you? You have touched my heart in more ways than one; you have become my everything, the essence of my life.

Your words speak my mind, your actions show my words, your accomplishments speak for my actions. I turn to you now always, for comfort and advice. I fondly call you my advisor and lovingly call you my dream. . I have many friends, some the hi-bye friends and some loyal ones too, but…You are the friend for whom I had searched throughout my life, and you will always remain my special friend.

I always want you to stick by me as I always will. Times will pass my friend, but our friendship will never fade…I’ll be on your side, today and always. Our school life has ended but the bonds that bind us together will never break. It cannot. Let us promise to care for each other, let us promise to find time for each other, let’s commit ourselves to this ever widening circle of companionship throughout the journey of life…

Let’s be like this for ever…lets always remain THE BESTEST OF FRIENDS

I am only one

I complained once to my mother that she was being too strict…and that because she wouldn’t let me buy another pair of those beautiful sandals. My best friend had just bought her 3 rd pair and I wanted one just like that too…me and my mother squabbled all the way down the road…I was so engrossed in making my point clear to my mother that I wasn’t looking where I was headed and I crashed headlong into a small girl walking towards me.

She stretched out her little grubby palm towards me in the hope of getting at least a 25 paisa coin. I looked at her small round face. With a bit of soap and effort she would most definitely look like a little angel. Her eyes, as black as currents peered at me earnestly. It was raining outside and windy too. The child had nothing on her except for a torn, worn dress which gave no clue as to what its colour was. She wore nothing on her bare feet and she was standing in a pool of murky water that was overflowing from the drains. I looked down at my own well covered and protected, pedicured feet.


I would be lying if said that I gave up my money that I had set aside for my sandals to the poor girl. I would be lying still if I said I dint buy the sandals after all, because I did. But it would never be a lie if I said that the image of the poor little child and her bare legs never taunted me...it did and it does still…I think of her almost every time I put on that sandals. I wish now that I had not bought them. And I wish I had given the little child something better than a measly 2 rupee coin.

I come across many a small child on the street but none left the kind of impression on me than this girl. I wonder what it was that makes me remember her even now almost 2 years after I met her. I always felt sympathy towards the under privileged, I wished someone would do some thing for them. But now I realize…it’s not just” some one “who is got to help them…it is me. It is me who ahs got to do some thing. It is me who has to feel empathy and not sympathy…It is me who’s got to lend a helping hand… as Edward Everett Hale says-“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.

Even if it is a matter of giving up my watching of my favourite soap on television (I can always catch the repeat later), or if it is a matter of skipping the premiers of a much awaited movie (I can always watch it later) or if it is skipping a party (my friends are still going to be there for me) I will definitely try to do my bit to help my lesser lucky sisters and brothers.

Marian Wright Edelman once said- We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee.
And that is going to be motto…to do what ever I can, do what little I can, to live as simply as I can, so that many others may simply-live. After all no one really knows what is in future for us…we might end up just like some of them, alone and uncared for…if that is what is in store for us maybe God will help us out there sending us angels to help us…just like he is helping out some others by sending us to them as angels…