to a dead blog

its been two months that i've even set foot on this sphere which used to mean so much to me. For about the 3rd time I've started this blog, my impulse to write has waned somewhat. But contrary to the 'lost' feeling that used to attach itself to me once I stopped writing earlier, this time around, I don't even miss it. I am bored reading what I write. I need to write new. And maybe I need to renew myself. Sigh. Seems too much of an effort.

Adios

a 100 things

100 Things about Me
which am sure none of you would want to know...but wel..

1.ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT

one on my left eye lid. i hit my eye on the metal tap, while groping around in the bathroom for the soap i'd dropped while in the shower. it was a sunday and i missed my disney time, coz i couldnt open my eyes, as they were swollen and blood shot.

2.WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
photographs of all those people who matter to me most, some sketches i've done, some little cute notes from friends and nice paintings

3.DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
not that i know of. and i'ven been accused of anything like this too

4.WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
hindustani, old hindi songs, carnatic if am in the mood

5.DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
i saw it written down somewhere that i was born at 1.53 am, 6th jan 1987...go figure my age

6.WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
To be with people i'ven seen in a long time, with whom i wish i had more time to spend than what i can now.

7.WHAT DO YOU MISS?
school. it's like harry potter might say, its one place i've been blissfully happy, innocent and true. am too lost to the world now to be that carefree and innocent as i was i think

8.WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
anything that have been given to me by people. a tee shirt, a tooth brush, a bracelet, a bangle, all my b'day cards, a pen, a pencil...little things, right from school, i've kept safe. it reminds me of all the good people in my life, and i know i've been lucky

9.HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5'3"

10.DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
not that i recall. I am paranoid sometimes about deadlines. i absolutely detest handing in late submissions, or being late for anything, be it be even 2 minutes.

11.DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
sometimes, depends on the place usually. at home nothing scares me. but somewhere else, i think i might be scared

12.THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
i cry at the drop of the hat. the last time i came close to crying was when i was reminded of how many more days are left in ciefl, before most of us leave this place for newever ventures. i never thought i'd love ciefl so much, but i think the virus is spreading

13.WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
losing manu. i dont think i'd ever survive it

14.WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
black. jet black.

15.WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?
being a die hard romantic, i'd dreamed of flowers and sweet lines. but what happened to me was more romantic than i could ever hope for. nothing was said, it was just there, and am happy it happened that way.

16.COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
coffee anyday. extra strong. full milk. 1tbs sugar.

17.FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
am not a fan of pizzas really, but i think i'd go for the peppy paneer from dominoes. i've always been a huge fan of paneer. so no surprises here

18. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
a nice south indian thali complete with payasam and pappadam

19.FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
i cant really tell you. i've been a fan of black always,but then i've always loved blues greens and yellows. and when i paint, i use as little of black as i can.

20.HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
No. am a vegetarian

21.WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
all gifts have had some meaning for me. but i guess the best gift i received was from my sister when she was 3. she gave me a plate for my birthday, that she'd won at school for a painting competition. i remember having mocked my sister that day, and made her cry. the guilt refuses to go away. however much i try to make up for it by giving her anything she wants. everytime i fail her, i think of the little girl on the swing who cried because her elder sister was a bitch.

22.DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
not right now.

23.ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
i cant dance. but i can still flex my body in all possible ways.

24.FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
i love cottons. i love fab india.

25.WHO IS YOUR FAV FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?
shobhana/ SRK. they refuse to change.

26.DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
no. am scared of animals. i like them on discovery channel

27.WHAT KIND IS IT?

28.WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
i might. i am too madly in love with love to forfeit that chance.

30.SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
6

31.BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
brunettes. never really liked blondes, except betty coopper from archie comics


32.FAVORITE QUOTE?
its easy to fall in love. the tough part is finding someone to catch u when you fall.(i dont know who said it though)

33.FAVORITE PLACE?
green beaches and cool breezes...perfect combination

34.HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE INDIA?
Yes

35.YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Coffee and dark chocolate

36.MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
yeah sometimes at the airport. you couldnt say "met" them. saw them...yeah. :D

37.FIRST JOB?
worked for two months in a website development company.

38.EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
yeah. but was caught. the person had a caller id. (ulp!)

39.DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
yes i do. but i think only a lucky few find them.

40.WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
doing my project work, which is taking the hell out of me. (Whew!)

41.HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
not yet

42.WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
being genuine

43.HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
No. i've never had perfect teeth. but my parents never bothered with braces. and am just as glad.

44.WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
lots of birthday cards

45.HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES
i dont knowow. 2 might be a safe bet, and considering that i've always fancied twins, a boy and girl, 2 must be it. names? oh i dont know again. but i really like the names aditi and udit.

46.WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No,my mother wanted to name me thaara. but then my grandparents decided on Vrinda.

47.WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
men who are obsessively compulsively bothered about their looks

48.WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
freinds

50.DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes i do. though it keeps changing. i think i had the best hand writing when I was in my 2nd year of under grad.

51.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
as i've mentioned before, am a vegetarian. i prefer dosa and nice hot yummy sambhar for breakfast. peanut butter jam grilled sandwiches are another weakness

52.ANY BAD HABITS?
i bite my nails. though it has come down drastically. bursting pimples,(am prone to pimples when am under a lot of stress) thinking too much about things, being overtly pessimistic.

53.ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
no

54.IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
i'd like to believe i would. I may not be the best person around, but i think i am ok

55.DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
what?

56.DO LOOKS MATTER?
no

57.HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
its a very very bad habit that i've, that i take out my anger on the person nearest to me, and then i feel guilty about it for a long time afterwards.

59.WHAT'S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
to live

60.WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
A teddy bear my uncle gave me. i named him bhaalu.

61.HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
around 300-350

62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
i dont know who barney is (ok i've published my ignorance)

63.Do you use sarcasm?
yes i do. i dont know if it works though

64.MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
macaroni and cheese please [:D]

65.WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
happy people matter a lot. i like people who smile, and have an easy look about them. i dont like over complicated people, who are flustered and are running about all the time. and i hate fake people. nothing puts me off more than that.

66.WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
my grandmother calls me appu, my dad calls me kannan, manu calls me a variety of nicknames, my fav being batti, sandra calls me kannimanga and geetu calls me kurangi. guess thats enough revelation for now

67.FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
laughter

68.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
i like cartoons and cookery shows and travel. i think i'll go for travel and living: BBC

69.WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
ignore them, without appearing weak.

70.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
california raisins and mint chocolate

71.DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
yes

yeah. i survive on my laptop day and night

73.PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
Dinner out. there are 5 places my friends and i have to eat out in before we leave for home. we are starting today.

74.WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
somewhere in the suburbs. i dont like the extreme quiet of the country nor the hyper activity of a city. i like something in between.

75.DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
i'd like to read if people are interested in writing.

76.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
i wonder how i wonder why yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky: fool's garden

77.LAST THING YOU DRANK?
orange juice

78.LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Manu

79.THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX
persona. and the smile and the eyes

80.WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
read, write, watch a movie, sing, listen to songs, paint, make something, cook, craft, crochet, i dunno i have too many options

81.FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
arrogant people and know it alls and fake people

82.FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR
autumn

83.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
anything with dark chocolate

84.HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
yes. i have. been lucky to have someone very close at each point in my life, someone without whom that period in my life would have been so difficult to get by.

85.WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
dark brown tending to black

86.EYE COLOR?
black

87.SHOE SIZE?
9

88.FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
subway and CCD

89.FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
Ohris, CCD again if you can call it a restraunt

91.WHO WERE YOUR GOOD FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL?
Amal, deepak

92.FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
tough one, i have lots of special days. and each one is special to me.

93.PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
no. i tried learning the violin and the veena. but never stuck to it. i sing and pretend to have the orchestra behind me.

94.POLITICAL VIEW?
I am not really political. i've liked the ideologies of communism to a certain extent. but am in no ways a communist. i hate politics

95.KISSES OR HUGS?
both, from the right people

96.RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationships

97.WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
orange juice for myself

98.WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
i would want to. i know it sounds weird, but i want to be there at home when my kids come back from school. and yeah i also happen to be a lazy person who'd detest going to work.

99.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
dont as much time as i would like to anymore. the last book i read was the unbearable lightness of being by Milan Kundera way abck in december.

100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE
more secure than I could ever imagine



i tag Manu,Sashu,Sujith,Usha,Yadu,mind Bedouin



happy writing :)

from this moment on...

I just swear
That I'll always be there
I'd give anything and everything
And I will always care
Through weakness and strength
Happiness and sorrow
For better or for worse
I will love you
With every beat of my heart

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love
I'd give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you
Can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you
I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

Your the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

(Shania Twain)

I don't exactly know what has made me post it...except that it seems so right. To the one who makes all romantic songs so lovely and the lyrics so meaningful...
i love you

Moles and Scars

There are times when I surprise myself with my memory. It springs on me at the most unexpected of days, when I wish I were diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Living through times hasn’t always been easy, but to relive them when you least need them has been draining and killing, to say the least. I was with her that day, going over the designs for wedding cards. I could see the golden ring on her finger glisten, as she sifted through card after card, while the attendant pored over her trying to help her out, his eyes straying sometimes to the white of her cleavage, which peeked out from the translucent violet dupatta that she’d draped around her.

I followed his gaze, not attempting to tell her to sit up, but gazing at the little of what I had seen more of. I remembered the whiteness and the softness, the red marks that I’d left on them, the trail of my tongue as it had felt them, I also remembered the duskiness of breasts, a mole under her left breast, the scar on her lower belly from an appendicitis operation, the faded scars of abuse that her father pelted on her in his anger fits. I remembered the duskiness, I also remembered the whiteness.

It did not take me time to recall that white was different from the duskiness. The absence and presence of scars and the beautiful face and the scornful face. The glisten of the ring and her hand on my thighs as she held up a cared distracted me. But not completely. I remembered her now. The only one to wear sarees to college, when everyone else wore jeans and skirts and tried hard to make nothingness show out of measly Barbie doll dresses. I remember her cotton sarees as she walked in to classes with windblown and tied back black hair. I remember the big bindis, the tiny nose ring and the sandaks. I remember her sketches, as they fell out of her notebooks, sketches of tears, of blood, revenge and solitude. I could almost remember her smell, something which I hadn’t ever smelt before. Of Indian ink and tulsi, of whiskey and mustard, of wood sharpening and machine oil. I remember her smell the most.

I used to catch her eye quite often as we sat on opposite side of the gallery in our graphics classes. She stared back usually, a bored surprised look on her face. It did not occur to me the difference in equation. I turned my gaze away first, looking down hurriedly at the blank page in my notebook, or suddenly finding the professors talk amazing, while she still stared at me from the other corner. It did not strike me that with men, it usually happens the other way around.

It wasn’t until my then best friend, the one now I don’t even call up once in ten years, asked me if I had something for her. I did not know. I found her stare captivating. I knew it wasn’t reserved for me. It was for everyone. No one escaped her. I could see people squirm under her even casual gaze. I later remembered that she was the only one in our batch who hadn’t been ragged. While I was commanded to run naked with a pacifier in my mouth along the corridors of the ladies hostel, I remember her sitting on the verandah,one leg curled under her, a pencil in her hand. I caught a whiff of Indian ink as I raced away; suddenly feeling the sudden urge to cry. I felt her looking at me from behind, I remember feeling her gaze on me, I remember thinking that the corridor was too long.

I remember her bored laugh as I learnt for the first time that sex hurts men too. I remember her smile as she looked at me from the bed, as I took a bath in the shower. I remember the faded scars on her thighs only too well.

We walked out of the card shop, she held up our wedding card for me to see. I held back my memories from her.

songs of togetherness

As you stand with me today, the wind blows my hair across my face, tangling it, untangling and making newer tangles.In the same wind that plays with my hair, I smell your breath, your smell. A little bit of the hospital that you carry along with you always, the smell that I leave on you, and your smell of you. Every time I've stood with you like this, I feel new,I feel different, and yet I feel the same.I feel happy and then I feel tears wetting my eyelashes. I feel like singing. Songs with no lyrics, no music, but still songs, inside me, that I know you will hear, without even having to listen hard...

the middle path

It’s cold and you put your hands around me. I brush it away. And wrap my arms around myself. You shrug but say nothing. I can see the wistful look in your eyes. I pretend to not care. In between hours divided for others and other things, this is some time we have together. But am not ready to be happy.
I can be content with more of this. Even nothing of this.
Its this midway that hurts.