am back again with my 'random ramblings' and this time i seriously have no idea about what to write. there is this loaded up feeling inside me which needs a release. i guess i need to write. but what? how? i dont know. i cant even think straight. my mind is swimming in a murky sea of countless emotions....of missing,love,anger,jealousy,regret,relief.....
what exactly am in missing? my home? my city? my friends? my comfort zones? my life? what is it that i love? me?the experience of being me? am angry.but at what? at the place that i am in now?my inabilty to control my emotions? am jealous. oh yes i am. am jealous.of people around me? i regret..my yesterdays? about what i have left behind? and then there is relief..of still finding myself awake each day and dancing to the tune of life?
Questions questions questions....and the answers. where are they?
i guess the most defining emotion that am going through now is anger... anger at people who speak so much about so many things...perhaps not meaning them at all...not knowing their worth. against people who trample so many beautiful moments like a used paper cup. against people who constantly remind me of what i miss and love whole heartedly, but for whom they mean nothing.am angry that i am angry. am scared that the demon inside me would come out and engulf me.am scared of mouthing feelings which i definitely should keep to myself. am scared of the new place i am in, where everyone is a stranger, where everyone, like me, is treading on thin ice, making rooms for themselves...while i am trying hard to find a niche. am angry that i feel weak. am angry that i cannot breakdown, lest it hurts many a dear one's expectation of me...am angry...yes i am
the sense of relief is minimal...it has long since succumbed to many a negative feeling. feelings i know that will do me no good,but those which am finding hard to fight.
if i could just cry out loud...loud enough for my voice to crack and loud enough for me to feel better(?) perhaps..but yet not loud enough for anyone to hear...
i sigh again