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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

randomly yours

am back again with my 'random ramblings' and this time i seriously have no idea about what to write. there is this loaded up feeling inside me which needs a release. i guess i need to write. but what? how? i dont know. i cant even think straight. my mind is swimming in a murky sea of countless emotions....of missing,love,anger,jealousy,regret,relief.....
i sigh!
what exactly am in missing? my home? my city? my friends? my comfort zones? my life? what is it that i love? me?the experience of being me? am angry.but at what? at the place that i am in now?my inabilty to control my emotions? am jealous. oh yes i am. am jealous.of people around me? i regret..my yesterdays? about what i have left behind? and then there is relief..of still finding myself awake each day and dancing to the tune of life?
Questions questions questions....and the answers. where are they?
i guess the most defining emotion that am going through now is anger... anger at people who speak so much about so many things...perhaps not meaning them at all...not knowing their worth. against people who trample so many beautiful moments like a used paper cup. against people who constantly remind me of what i miss and love whole heartedly, but for whom they mean nothing.am angry that i am angry. am scared that the demon inside me would come out and engulf me.am scared of mouthing feelings which i definitely should keep to myself. am scared of the new place i am in, where everyone is a stranger, where everyone, like me, is treading on thin ice, making rooms for themselves...while i am trying hard to find a niche. am angry that i feel weak. am angry that i cannot breakdown, lest it hurts many a dear one's expectation of me...am angry...yes i am
the sense of relief is minimal...it has long since succumbed to many a negative feeling. feelings i know that will do me no good,but those which am finding hard to fight.
if i could just cry out loud...loud enough for my voice to crack and loud enough for me to feel better(?) perhaps..but yet not loud enough for anyone to hear...
i sigh again

7 comments:

harish said...

just amazing u can be in such emotional flux aniyathikutty...even after u found some settling ones..and maybe now i know what makes you to cry :-)

harish said...

and yes my wordshop just became miss beautiful...and i have a twinkle in the eye when i say that :-)

vrinda said...

glad u know wat makes me cry...people can make anyone laugh...but as the saying goes..."no one is worth ur tears. and the one who is wont make u cry"...

Vinitha said...

Hi Vrinda, came back here after such a slong time and i guez U made some changes here as well. So have I! Hmmm once again, i hve borrowed something from you. This time a text, ..."no one is worth ur tears. and the one who is wont make u cry"...
i simply loved it...so even b4 u say yes..i am taking it..my usual style huh:P (sorry!) But these words meant something to me..and i guess i haven't got the right words to phrase it out all these days..so u shld c tis somewhere in my blog
so thanks once again.

vrinda said...

well vini...actaully the lines r not mine...even i used it hee hee
but again...thanks for visiting my blog...

Shruti said...

I love that post and your writing style..just came across your page and found things that i feel so often but cannot put down on the net for everyone to read... guess i am not brave enough to... kudos to you and hope you keep writing...
all the best
i hope u dont feel i was intruding on your private stuff :)because it is so real and so beautifully expressed...

vrinda said...

hey shruti...thanks a lot for readin me...and of course not u were not intruding at all...this is a public page...and yes wat i write is very personal too..but i just feel that if i can go thru these emotions, so can many others..i just want to reach across all those who think and feel like me...and ppl who don c eye to eye wth me r also free to read my blog and comment....their thoughts mean a lot to me too..
again thanks for reading me dear