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Monday, January 8, 2007

When is life a lie???

I ask you when it is not? Some one asks you “how are you” and you reply with that clichéd expression “am fine”...when actually you are a far cry from being fine…you reply because that is what is expected of you…basic etiquette. It may be manners to answer that way…but are you being truthful??

How many such instances in life when you live a lie, present themselves before you? I am living a lie even at this moment. I want to be anywhere else but here. I want to do something other than what I am doing right now but I can’t. Because that is exactly what the society and my family doesn’t want me to be. So I compromise with life and live the way I need to rather than going for what I want to. I do not complain or rather I am not expected to. Because again I am living a lie…of being the perfect woman, the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect friend. When in reality it is these very things that strangle me. The expectations on me that I am supposed to meet…they choke me…but I am expected to put up with it, smile and say I cannot have a better life than this. Isn’t it a lie too?

I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a friend. But when will I be me? When will I be just Vrinda? Isn’t this living a lie? Being what I am needed to? Rather than being me? I write my story today. I want to put in all that I feel, want to bring out the rebel in me. But one day my mother will read it. And perhaps tomorrow, my sons and daughters. Will I want them to know what I am exactly, than what I seem to be? Strange the things you want out of life. Sometimes I want people to know me for what I am. Not for what they want me to be. Yet some part of me wishes that no one knows me completely. Because in my heart of hearts I am afraid. All that I consider mine today, will they remain mine tomorrow if I bring out “the real me”? But again, who is the real me? Do I lie to myself about me?

Today I love someone who once left me burnt and broken. But someone told me to be careful don’t let yourself be cheated again. And so I lie. I tell him that I have come a long way. And that I am trying to put my past behind me. Why? Coz I care about myself? Or coz someone told me to be careful? I don’t know.

I make a wall around me. The attitude wall. So that people don’t come close to me. People who became close to me have hurt me in some way or the other. Or, maybe I could not accept them to go away from me. So now I don’t allow anyone or at least try not to let anyone see the real me. When I care about someone, I care not the least for anything else and give them my whole self. But time and time again I have been let down, shattered to pieces. So now am scared. What if this happens to me again? So I live in solitude. Living another lie. When I really love being with people, when I love being a simple girl, I put up a mask of the confident and strapping Vrinda. True it has earned me many a recognition. But all material. I become an enigma. But then again people who know me see thru my mask and am shattered. Why? When I should be happy that they can see the real me? I don’t know

Now I don’t know what I am. Am I the Vrinda who used to be b4? The simple, fun loving, bubbly kind? Who was so diplomatic and so caring that never from my mouth have I voiced my opinion if I felt it hurt someone? Or have I really changed? I find myself being frank. Too frank sometimes. This leaves me satisfied for a moment but then leaves me drained thinking about the fact that maybe I hurt someone. What do I do? What am I supposed to do? I want to be myself. The real me. But who is that?

Maybe I am a coward. Maybe that is why I live a lie. But is wishing that you have all those people you care for with you always…a form of cowardice? Is wanting your world to look perfect even if it really is not, a sign of not being intrepid? Why do I hold myself back? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll never will. This question will always linger in my mind…should I live my live in the way that will make many others happy? Or should I live my life my way and make me happy? But then again is the question…will I be happy if people around me are not? So I chose to live this lie…

1 comment:

Harish said...

claps..claps..claps...and a standing ovation :)