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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The state of being

Maybe it’s because I’ve always loved Calvin, or maybe it’s because no one is more succinct than Calvin, whatever the reason I follow him now...to the state he was in, in Mrs wormwood’s class—“The state of denial”.


But maybe it’s not complete denial too...maybe there is no term for it. Not when your heart sighs when you see the forwards he sends on Gmail which has your name too, but you think of those days when your name used to be the first name on the sent to list, and now it comes, trailing, in alphabetical order somewhere towards the end. It’s not denial is it, when he still calls you every now and then and you’d expect the conversation to end in an “I love you”, but ends in a “take care and keep in touch”. It’s not denial at all is it when you see him put up pictures of them together—happy and smiling, and you smile along with them, but somewhere your memory cringes that your photos never came up in any of those pages.


Is it denial when you still think and dream about the past and the impossible future as a possibility? Denial is not that is it, when you go about your days as if nothing happened but the late nights and late mornings are just about sleep now, and not what is used to be—of warmth, kisses and blankets, of nakedness and sweat, of love and wine, and poetry. Would it be denial if you thought about him as the perfect person, even while he was searching for perfection elsewhere?


Would it be denial if you loved someone so much that forgiving was easy but forgetting was not?

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

lovely writing. it has a quiet quality to it. the sort that rises in the heart and gets under one's skin

Anamika said...

@ anon

Thank you...this comment means a lot...am glad I can write something that you can feel....

manu said...

Would it be denial if you thought about him as the perfect person, even while he was searching for perfection elsewhere?


Would it be denial if you loved someone so much that forgiving was easy but forgetting was not?

powerfully emoted..! but did somebody say love was blind.?

Anamika said...

@ Manu

Love is blind...and it turns us blind...would people ever fall in love knowing the hurt it always leaves even in successful love stories with no end...if they weren't blinded by it in the first place?

Matangi Mawley said...

B-E-A-U-Tiful!!!

OMG.. !! the last line.. there is an old tamil song "ninaikka therintha manamey, unakku- marakka theriyaathaa"? it means.. just the same thing u ve said here.. i was reminded of it.. brilliant work!!!

suji said...

it is certainly no denial of the fact that this touched THE heart.thank you.

Amu said...

I can’t say anything that has not been said in the preceding comments. But, how I loved this piece needs to put on record. I found it difficult to breathe as I read this one. And although I exude melodrama, I really mean it. What i love about this piece is its capacity to stir up in you that hurt the most. Also, almost simultaneously it calms you with the knowledge that something so beautiful can follow pain.



about the writing, i love it wholly and i love it in parts. although the third para, which while perfect here, seems a little repetitive in your writing generally. But then I can not imagine this piece without it.



Loving it, living it.

Anamika said...

@Matangi

Overwhelmed :-) and thank you again for your lovely comments

Anamika said...

@ suji

thank you :-)

Anamika said...

@Amu

I do not know if I should be happy that my writing touched chords, or that it evoked in you the pain that all of us try to forget at some point in time...

about the writing per se, yes repetition has been my weakest point. I cannot seem to escape it. I need to. In the hope that I will some day...

Take care sweetie...I love you hope you know that

Sashu... said...

Touched the heart, truly! Glad to read ya once again!

Sandeep Balan said...

not in a state of denial.....wow...lovely writing...the way you built it up till the end...*bows* :-)

Anamika said...

@ Sashu

thank u :-)

and am still waiting for your mail in my inbox :)

Anamika said...

@ Sandeep

**sheepish grin at the bow**

thankee :)

Maald said...

Two quotes from 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle

1. Certain things in the past didn’t go the way you wanted. You are still resisting what happened in the past, and now you are resisting what is. Hope is what keeps you going, but hope keeps you focused on the future, and this continued focus perpetuates your denial of the Now and therefore your unhappiness.

The present moment is all you will ever have. There is never a time when your life is not "this moment".

2. What is often referred to as love maybe pleasurable and exciting for a while, but it is an addictive clinging, an extremely needy condition that can turn into its opposite at the flick of a switch. Many “love” relationships, after the initial euphoria has passed, actually oscillate between “love” and hate, attraction and attack.


(forgive me, I am trying to see everything through ET's eyes these days)

kaatib said...

touching. At times the most difficult task is to say it the simplest and yet the most honest way. and this sounds like that.

hari(sh) said...

"Would it be denial if you loved someone so much that forgiving was easy but forgetting was not?"

well..."i'll never forgive you for loving me because i cannot forget you"...that's what i got to hear..maybe she was in a different state of being ;)

and i am utterly unwitting to be judgmental on the piece :)

Anamika said...

@ Kaatib

No wonder few people have truth and honesty...they are probably the most difficult of virtues...

This comment is not really a response to what you said...but an aside...

Anamika said...

@ Maald

Thank you for quoting ET here... :)

I like what he says about the present...I would like to believe that and often i find myself telling me that...but isnt it also true that ur past makes ur present and the future is just ur present waiting around the corner?

Anamika said...

@ harishetta..

I dont have any words....

Usha Pisharody said...

This is just beautiful!

Touched ... deep in my heart!