death...

Death is something that has never failed to fascinate me. its just that fact that you never know what happens after death that drew me to it. and also a curiosity..what if i am dead today? will people around miss me? will a drop of tear be shed for me?

People wish they could live on and on...see people around them grow up, see their progeny make a name for themselves, perhaps even see their grand children grow up..the wishes and the wants never end...

A few months ago i held a fascination for death a bit more than usual. there were moments when i would contemplate the best time to die...would it be when am old and bent, when i have seen my children grow up and have my grandchildren hop on my lap? but then what if at that time i am bed ridden? when my sheer presence or my being alive becomes a burden to those around? what if i am unable to recognise the faces around me? what if all those dear ones with whom i had grown up has already left for god's abode? terror was something that seized me then.

Then i thought...i would like to die young. when my skin is still supple, my thoughts still fresh, when the people around me would never expect me to be absent in their life..that would ensure that i was missed..and that people would talk about me...but then that was grossly selfish. and am not made that way. why should i hope to die young when people around me would be struggling to come to terms with my absence...

somehow as the days went by, my thoughts and fascination associated with death ceased. i almost forgot my fascination. perhaps because i found a reason to live. a reason which drives out all negative thoughts from my mind and leaves me with a clean slate. if there is anything that i wouldn't even want to think of is the D word. it is heart crunching to even think of leaving the world. this time around it is not just because i want to live, but because there are people who need me to be alive. and without me would perhaps never 'live'.

i need to live. i want to. there is nothing bigger that i want. just to live.....for people who mean....