i was here all along!!!

Looks like I have ended up

Where I began, again!

Though am not too sure

Where exactly I began

And began what exactly.

And yet am sure

I’ve been here before

The smells, the sounds,

The faces…

Is this the place I wanted to be?

The place that is to be my destiny?

Do I escape?

Do I turn around?

And run

But a coward I am not

Turn back I will not.

Is this where I wanted to be?

I guess so.

I didn’t turn back.

Forward did I go

And ended up

Nay

Found myself

In a place I was searching for

Not knowing

I was there all along.

Headlines today???

Aishwarya Rai to put mehendi on her left hand at sharp 8.30 pm tonight. Abhishek Bacchan confused about which sherwani to wear for sangeet…

No am not a reporter for any news channel. Though I could make it, if were to give these kind of above mentioned statements as “flash news” and “breaking news”. Seriously, who is interested in what color underwear Abhishek is wearing for his wedding or what brand of hair pin Aishwarya is going to wear? Not me. They can very well get married, oh yes. They can. But why should the whole country (that’s what it is being made to look like anyway) be sitting on pins and needles as if watching a super exciting climax scene in a James Bond movie to watch a wedding (!) of all the things. For all we know these people could very well divorce each other in days. Though am not wishing for that. God bless them and may they have a fulfilling life together. But heavens, don’t we have any thing else to see on TV?

A few weeks ago it was Arun Nayar and Liz Hurley wedding making ripples (!) along the world. It was the only “breaking news” many a news channel could report. Shocking! Ridiculous to the point of being ridiculously ridiculous.

I mean I would find it meaningful if they showcased this kind of news in their entertainment section or something of that sort. But breaking news?? Give me a break!!

Has media to stoop this low? Isn’t there anything called plain old traditional journalism? I would rather enjoy (!) a story about the Virginia tech shoot out or Rahul Gandhi’s election campaign than a half an hour video coverage of Richard Gere kissing Shilpa Shetty. And by the way I still can’t understand why the raucous was created on the kissing. If you can watch with lolling tongues Mallika Sherawat running around in bikini straps exposing not just a fair bit of her “plus points” why (the hell) should anyone oppose the kissing? Hypocrisy taking newer levels per day.

Sad state of affairs. I think I should restrict my TV watching to (ugh!!) K-serials. At least they are guaranteed to be ridiculous with all the saas-bahu and 5 generation long ‘stories’ at least you are not expected to take it seriously.

tell me not goodbye

tell me not goodbye

when all i want is

to be in your arms

look not at me like that

i just want to be yours

*

tell me not good bye

*

i stand with my heart

asleep in my soul

kiss it awake

and never let it sleep

let me be yours

for ever and for ever on

*

tell me not goodbye

*

to touch your face

to rustle your hair

to look at you forever

to love you till eternity

nothing else matters

nothing else counts

*

tell me not goodbye

*

tell me not goodbye
when all i want is
to be in your arms

tell me not goodbye

tell me not goodbye

death...

Death is something that has never failed to fascinate me. its just that fact that you never know what happens after death that drew me to it. and also a curiosity..what if i am dead today? will people around miss me? will a drop of tear be shed for me?

People wish they could live on and on...see people around them grow up, see their progeny make a name for themselves, perhaps even see their grand children grow up..the wishes and the wants never end...

A few months ago i held a fascination for death a bit more than usual. there were moments when i would contemplate the best time to die...would it be when am old and bent, when i have seen my children grow up and have my grandchildren hop on my lap? but then what if at that time i am bed ridden? when my sheer presence or my being alive becomes a burden to those around? what if i am unable to recognise the faces around me? what if all those dear ones with whom i had grown up has already left for god's abode? terror was something that seized me then.

Then i thought...i would like to die young. when my skin is still supple, my thoughts still fresh, when the people around me would never expect me to be absent in their life..that would ensure that i was missed..and that people would talk about me...but then that was grossly selfish. and am not made that way. why should i hope to die young when people around me would be struggling to come to terms with my absence...

somehow as the days went by, my thoughts and fascination associated with death ceased. i almost forgot my fascination. perhaps because i found a reason to live. a reason which drives out all negative thoughts from my mind and leaves me with a clean slate. if there is anything that i wouldn't even want to think of is the D word. it is heart crunching to even think of leaving the world. this time around it is not just because i want to live, but because there are people who need me to be alive. and without me would perhaps never 'live'.

i need to live. i want to. there is nothing bigger that i want. just to live.....for people who mean....

Khoon se khelenge holi gar vatan muskhil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Dekhna hai zor kitna baazu-e-qaatil mein hai
Karta nahin kyun doosra kuch baat-cheet

Dekhta hun main jise woh chup teri mehfil mein hai

Aye shaheed-e-mulk-o-millat main tere oopar nisaar

Ab teri himmat ka charcha ghair ki mehfil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Waqt aanay dey bata denge tujhe aye aasman

Hum abhi se kya batayen kya hamare dil mein hai

Khainch kar layee hai sab ko qatl hone ki ummeed

Aashiqon ka aaj jumghat koocha-e-qaatil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Hai liye hathiyaar dushman taak mein baitha udhar

Aur hum taiyyaar hain seena liye apna idhar

Khoon se khelenge holi gar vatan muskhil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Haath jin mein ho junoon katt te nahi talvaar se

Sar jo uth jaate hain voh jhukte nahi lalkaar se

Aur bhadkega jo shola-sa humaare dil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Hum to ghar se nikle hi the baandhkar sar pe kafan

Jaan hatheli par liye lo bhar chale hain ye qadam

Zindagi to apni mehmaan maut ki mehfil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Yuun khadaa maqtal mein qaatil kah rahaa hai baar baar

Kya tamannaa-e-shahaadat bhi kisee ke dil mein hai

Dil mein tuufaanon ki toli aur nason mein inqilaab

Hosh dushman ke udaa denge humein roko na aaj

Duur reh paaye jo humse dam kahaan manzil mein hai
Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai.

Dekhna hai zor kitna baazuay qaatil mein hai.

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna is a poem by the popular Indian revolutionary Ram Prasad Bismil. A song which I heard for the first time in the movie legend of Bhagat Singh, and then again in the movie rang de basanti.
Seeing Atul Kulkarni say the lines with fervor made the hairs on my hands stand up. Whether it was because of my liking for the actor, the way he rendered the lines or the sheer power of the lines, am not sure.
Rang De Basanti was on TV recently. One of my all time favourite movies, one which I have seen not less than 5 times. I enjoy every bit of it. The humor, the wit, sarcasm and the reticent romance, and the indispensable feel of patriotism.
I love the part when R.Madhavan says “har desh perfect nahi hoti. Use perfect banana padta hein”. Brilliant!! How true! We never tire ourselves comparing our ‘impoverished’ motherland to the giants like America and the like. But how many of us do actually even dream of making a better India ? How many of us even dare to dream of a better India ? All we people know is to get a B-degree from somewhere and fly of to a foreign land, making big bucks and licking the asses of those people who we tried so hard to kick out.
It is a sad state of affairs when we need movies like RDB and Bhagat Singh to bring out the patriot in us. It is true in my case too. I watch these movies; I love them by the way, and for a maximum of 2-3 days am smitten by the patriotic bug. The only songs I sing and listen to then, are the "e mere watan ke logon"s and "sarfaroshi ki tamanna"s. I dream of perhaps having been born at the time of the independence struggle, perhaps as someone who participated in the protest marches. All these are feelings which overpower me, but sadly only when a stimulus attacks. A stimulus like a (mere) bollywood movie. Sad!
There are quite a few lines in the movie(RDB) which are food for thought. For example when amir khan says “ zindgi jeene ki do tareekein hote hein. Ek jo hota hein hone do, bardasht karte jaao, aur doosra,zimmedari udhao usko badalne ki” I found myself thinking in which category I belonged to. And sadly (again!), I guess I fall into the former. Though somewhere there is a rebel in me. And though I consider it my weakness to actually wait for something, anything to bring out that rebel in me, I am at least relieved that there is a fire in which I term as ‘healthy patriotism’.
Though I am crippled by my family and others who care, about not letting me be in the army, or air force preferably, I quote bismil again "Even if I have to face death a thousand times for the sake of my Motherland, I shall not be sorry. Oh Lord! Grant me a hundred births in Bharath. But grant me this, too, that each time I may give up my life in the service of the Mother land."