Quitting!!

due to the general lack of enthusiasm on my part to pen or rather type anything out, which is due to the apparent lack of interesting topics, which in turn is caused by the temporary (hopefully) constipation of my creative and imaginary cells, which came about due to the many 'imaginative' and 'creative' academic writngs and assignments that i had to write out during past few feeks, am quitting blogger till i deem it worthy to come up with type worthy readable stuff. so long then...take care folks

simple things in life

i was just wondering about those silly little things which i do, that make me so happy. most of it is trivial and silly to the point of being silliest.but yes they certainly are a part of me...an d i enjoy doing them..



i love throwing handfuls of water high into the air and than watch them form little sparkling beads and fall down. And then i love hitting them with my hand so that they break into even tinier droplets. i can spend hours just watching these droplets and splashing them about..its sheer joy!


ever tried pouring water on the walls? i do. everyday, or whenever i have time. i love watching the watter form little rivulets and roll down. i often imagine a race between the rivulets. which one will reach the ground first? and i have a bet with myself...its oodles of fun...


i love travelling in public conveyances. i love looking at people. not exactly staring at them. but just taking a glance. and then i begin attaching names to the people i see. i spin stories. try to imagine their life, their homes, their families. try to attach careers and occupations, generally spend my time making up family histories...


doodling!one of my favourite passtimes.give me a pen/pencil and a paper and i'll doodle. the best thing about doodling is that most often than not, i end up with something to do. might be a new blog post, a new painting, or perhaps the doodling would have reminded me of something else to do...and so doodling becomes a constructive as well as a highly entertaining passtime for me...

silly little passtimes. and all these mean a lot to me. they make me...these little things.

questions!

i am no story teller. i do not tell stories. nor do i have any stories to tell. and yet i write. i pour out myself into words, often failing miserably at the attempt. but do i stop? no i write and keep on writing. about what? and why? do i write for me? do i write for you?

am am not me. i was not born me. i was made. by me? but then who is this me? could i ahve been made in any other way than this? would i have been better if i had not been me?or perhaps worse?did you make me?

its cold in here. the climate and the world. for warmth i wear my jacket of love. do i wear it for me? is it someone's jacket that i wear? or do i wear it inside out for others?

is it me or you?

Boiling red

I've never been this irritated...am irritated with everything...everyone...all the time
i don't know whats happening to me..i am and i was the easily irritated kind...but these days i am just irritated and angry all the time..

am irritated about the way she walks...ambling along...like an elephant striding...am irritated with his smile..plastered on to his face..the same smile for everyone..no change in the amount, nor the emotion

am irritated that for him, five minutes is always fifteen and is never on time

i am irritated that i have lots to do...and am not working

am irritated that she is not what i though she was...

am irritated with him when he never lets me bitch in peace, am irritated that he finds reasons to justify all the things that i find wrong

the sound of the a/c irritates me...the food that i get to eat everyday on plates which might well have been licked by dogs, the classes that i sit in, the senseless assignments that i do, the amount or lack of sleep, the bed on which i sleep.....everything.....

i am irritated
am angry..
am angry that am irritated and irritated that am angry...

with everything
with everyone
with life...

silent conversations

Twilight. it is windy yes. and cold too. we climb up and sit on the ground. i feel the wetness on my feet. my legs are no longer aching from the climb.i lean my back on your shoulder. i amnot facing you. you are looking somewhere. so am i.

i see the city from atop the hill. it is a lot more easier to look at it from here than from within it. the noises wouldn't have let me look anyway. the lights from the vehicles wouldn't have made me listen to the sounds of the city anyway. but from here i could see, i could listen. it was harmless, this city, as long as i was not in it. i snuggle a bit more into you. you shift your arm so that i fit in perfectly. i hear you snap a blade of grass. i smile. i know you would bite it now. and yes you do. i can hear the faint sound of your teeth sinking in the grass.i smile again.

a leaf is sticking to my sole. crushed and bruised. "did i do that to you?"
"my life was well lived"
yellow, sodden and dead, the leaf refused to leave my feet. i let it be...i wonder how it is to be a leaf. to dance in the wind, to be green, then yellow, and then perhaps brown, and then fly away...into another life, perhaps to an after life within the pages of a book...must be nice..to hang so high up and feel the breeze...
there is a tree in the distance...its leaves were a vibrant green...when will you be yellow?
"we are still too young"

still too young! am i? i don't know. i don't think so. 20 is not too young. it is young certainly. but too young? i don't want to be old. nor do i want to be too young. young is fine. its perfect. makes me feel nice to be young. don't ask me why. i don't know.

why are you breathing hard? cold? oh yes it is. i hadn't noticed the goosebumps on my hands too. and i know you love the cold. but you like my warmth too don't you? i pull your arms around me. they lie comfortably on my shoulders.i love your hands, for the reason that mine fit into yours so smugly. of course they must..they were made for me..what are you thinking of now? i wonder..are you thinking of where we'll be this time tomorrow?or are you thinking about how the night has fallen since we've sat here? are you thinking of going back? or are you thinking of what i am thinking? or are you thinking about me? are you thinking at all?

u pick a small ant and place it on my arm. i now it wont bite. i trust you. if you expect me to scream you are wrong. i watch the ant explore the back of my arm. and then climb up as if on a mission.you suddenly flick it away. i snicker silently. i foiled your mission. i dint scream.

wind again in my hair. i love the sound that it makes...but i don't know what sound it is. it is your sound isn't it? the one only you can make?i don't want to reproduce it. i just want to listen and to feel you on my cheeks. you are really cold today. i shiver a bit...

its night. i see the white stars above me. its cloudy. and the moon has gone hiding.i cant find it. i feel your touch on my palm. i look at you. i brush off the mud and leaves from my skirt as best as i can, not that i try too hard.. and pull myself up. you stand up and stretch your legs.

we start on our way downhill....

paths

this is the path that leads outwards

how will it be

the path

that leads inwards???

autobiography of a pen..

i am a pen.red and shiny i am, but i have always written in blue..royally. she used to fondle me, kiss me, take me on her sojourns, through people, places and events...i have travelled so much...through pages and pages of her writing...her lucky pen she used to call me...

i remember her crying when she put me down accidentally one day, and dented my nib...(i still have a dented nib..and she reckons i write better that way..)and i so wanted to console her,write 'am OK. really!' on the white sheet of paper she had before her. but alas i couldn't. coz even though they call us mightier than the sword,we don't have a stand on our own. we cant stand up. nor can we express what we feel. we can write what our owners feel, what they want us to...nothing else...

i enjoyed running over pages, telling about all that she felt. ..made me cry sometimes,reading what she wrote. that's when i bled...and she went berserk at that coz bleed is what good pens are not supposed to do...if only she understood why i bled

i loved being with her. lucky pen she used to call me...and proud i was of that status...

i am on the wait now...for her to pick me up...and give me some exercise. i miss reading into her mind. i miss being the first person to know what she felt. i miss her. she never comes to me these days..i see her fingers flying over black and white keys, her eyes fixed on a flickering white screen...they are her friends now..and i am neglected. they print what she says...but they will never smell her hand, nor see her beautiful writing...they will never bleed for her...nor will they think for her...

i stay in her pen stand...waiting to taken in her arms again...drink in ink once more and spill it all out for her...but i guess i wait in vain...

pen!

days...

everyday seems to be the same...mundane doing things which make no sense to me. even if they do, they just don't register.books, texts, assignments...they make no sense to me..is this where i wanted to end up? i don't know...am not sure anymore..

incompetence is getting to me...i who never ever bothered about anything...at least nothing academically find myself in a group where people speak and talk about things that never ever mattered to me...when they should perhaps have...i find myself trying to come out of my comfort zone-the easy world.but then again i do not want to. for what do i achieve when i come out?

am not sure what i want. i am not sure where i want to be....

its frustrating when you know you have to work, and you do, but nothing ever seems enough...nothing..and while you are it, this voice nags from somewhere..this is not what you wanted..this is not where you wanted to be..and i counter it..if not this,then what?but this doesnt help...the voices in my head..screeching,bellowing,hollereing, all at once....it just doesnt help...

its frustrating when you cannot really tell anyone about what you are going through, coz for one thing you are clueless yourself...and for another you just dont want to tell it out lest you prove yourself weak...and yet another reason, you just dont want to let anyone down by narrating your feelings..

and yet i put them all on a public page like this...dint i tell you a short while ago that i dont know what i want...i just dont know...

writing

a screen...
white flickering white
a mind...
blank dull confused
thoughts...
muddled wild irrational

i sit
cold alone aloof
i hear
voices sounds noises
i see
everything and nothing

fingers move
on letters black
of thoughts unclear
impressions form
slowly, deliberately
testimony to thoughts?

i look around
am cold
am aloof
i dream of warmth

alter ego?alterd ego?

does everyone have an alter ego? is the 'other ' in me, which I've conveniently named 'Anamika'-the unnamed, my alter ego? i don't know. i had not even thought on such terms until about a few days ago when a friend f mine asked me that question. i consider Anamika to be the 'real' me. the one who does not have to wear a mask, or put up acts just to a part of this world, to blend in smoothly..differently yes, but not too conspicuously. Anamika is the unaffected me-the one who lives in contradictions, the one who is a child, yet so big, the one who craves for affection, yet oozes them to people who are dear...Anamika is genuine.

Anamika is subdued, yet wild, she knows not to hide, to cover up.Anamika is invisible-she chooses to be. even to vrinda, she is invisible often. yet again, she chooses persons whom she allows a glimpse of her. but has never bared herself completely to all. never willingly, only to the one who came in one day, clasped her hand and pulled her out of darkness, and unearthed her.

i ask myself. who am i? vrinda or anamika? vrinda lives, so does anamika...together hand in hand. is it vrinda in anamika or anamika in vrinda? who do I(the arbitrary I) love more? vrinda? anamika? if i love anamika more, why does the vrinda in me not allow her to be seen?

who am i scared of? that i keep anamika hidden? or is she so powerful as to remain hidden even when i want her to be seen?

does 'I' hold any value at all, if am unsure as to who i am....am i anamika? or am i Vrinda?

tagged!!

SO am entering the tagged world too...

for people new to tagging...here goes...

The RULES:
1. Post these rules
2. Each person tagged must post 8 random facts about themselves
3. Tags should write a journal/ blog of these facts
4. At the end of the post 8 more persons are tagged and named
5. Go to their page and leave a comment telling them they're tagged

here comes the facts..
1.i've never had a day in my life which i wished i never had. coz though some were hard on me, later reflections made me see how they were instrumental in many of my todays and perhaps tomorrows.

2. i love singing and listening to music...the first...ahem people...am i being a bit too inconsiderate? but am not sorry...coz i really do love singing

3.i've always wanted to join the army. but never applied. i've huge crushes on ppl in uniform

4.i cant stop wondering about one of the most poignant mysteries of all time...why doesn donald duck wear pants?

5.am a complete chocolate addict. dark chocs esp

6.am acutely sentimental and emotional...am not proud of it...but i guess i cant help it

7.am in love with my life

8.i can sleep throuh out the day, the night, evening and afternoon, sitting, standing and reposing.

and i tag:harishettan

suji

vini

scrappus

raven

matangi


Mood:I-Really-dont-know-anything-mood(p.s. am doing my assignments)
Listening :to the stupid dot matrix printer in our lab creaking away to glory
Reading: Blake: the life and works
Eating: nothing
Drinking: in the smells in the room(they have a good room freshner here)


so harishetta and suji thanks a lot for tagging me....

signing off for now

randomly rambled rambler

"Mein Aur Meri Tanhai, Aksar Ye Baaten Karte Hain
Tum Hotin To Kaisa Hota, Tum Ye Kehtin, Tum Vo Kehtin
Tum Is Baat Pe Hairan Hotin, Tum Us Baat Pe Kitni Hanstin
Tum Hotin To Aisa Hota, Tum Hotin To Vaisa Hota
Mein Aur Meri Tanhai, Aksar Ye Baaten Karte Hain

Ye Raat Hai, Ya Tumhari Zulfen Khuli Hui Hain
Hai Chandni Ya Tumhari Nazron Se, Meri Raaten Dhuli Hui Hain
Ye Chand Hai, Ya Tumhara Kangan, Sitaare Hain Ya Tumhara Aanchal
Hava Ka Jhonka Hai, Ya Tumhare Badan Ki Khushboo
Ye Pattiyon Ki Hai Sarsarahat, Ke Tumne Chupke Se Kuch Kaha Hai
Ye Sochta Hoon Maein Kabse Gumsum
Ki Jabki Mujhko Bhi Ye Khabar Hai, Ki Tum Nahin Ho, Kahin Nahin Ho
Magar Ye Dil Hai Ki Keh Raha Hai, Tum Yahin Ho, Yahin Kahin Ho
Majboor Ye Haalaat, Idhar Bhi Hain Udhar Bhi
Tanhai Ke Ye Raat, Idhar Bhi Hai Udhar Bhi
Kehne Ko Bahut Kuchh Hai, Magar Kis Se Kahen Hum
Kab Tak Yoonhi Khaamosh Rahen, Aur Sahen Hum
Dil Kehta Hai Duniya Ki Har Ik Rasm Utha Dein
Deewaar Jo Hum Dono Mein Hai, Aaj Gira Dein
Kyun Dil Mein Sulagte Rahein, Logon Ko Bata Dein
Haan Humko Mohabbat Hai... Mohabbat Hai... Mohabbat Hai...
Ab Dil Mein Yahi Baat, Idhar Bhi Hai, Udhar Bhi "

Coutesy: silsila. lyrics: Gulzar

one of the best romantic verses i've ever heard. couple that with the big B's voice..mindblowing. just simply amazing.

i wish i could have written this...oh how i wish...

randomly yours

am back again with my 'random ramblings' and this time i seriously have no idea about what to write. there is this loaded up feeling inside me which needs a release. i guess i need to write. but what? how? i dont know. i cant even think straight. my mind is swimming in a murky sea of countless emotions....of missing,love,anger,jealousy,regret,relief.....

i sigh!

what exactly am in missing? my home? my city? my friends? my comfort zones? my life? what is it that i love? me?the experience of being me? am angry.but at what? at the place that i am in now?my inabilty to control my emotions? am jealous. oh yes i am. am jealous.of people around me? i regret..my yesterdays? about what i have left behind? and then there is relief..of still finding myself awake each day and dancing to the tune of life?

Questions questions questions....and the answers. where are they?

i guess the most defining emotion that am going through now is anger... anger at people who speak so much about so many things...perhaps not meaning them at all...not knowing their worth. against people who trample so many beautiful moments like a used paper cup. against people who constantly remind me of what i miss and love whole heartedly, but for whom they mean nothing.am angry that i am angry. am scared that the demon inside me would come out and engulf me.am scared of mouthing feelings which i definitely should keep to myself. am scared of the new place i am in, where everyone is a stranger, where everyone, like me, is treading on thin ice, making rooms for themselves...while i am trying hard to find a niche. am angry that i feel weak. am angry that i cannot breakdown, lest it hurts many a dear one's expectation of me...am angry...yes i am

the sense of relief is minimal...it has long since succumbed to many a negative feeling. feelings i know that will do me no good,but those which am finding hard to fight.

if i could just cry out loud...loud enough for my voice to crack and loud enough for me to feel better(?) perhaps..but yet not loud enough for anyone to hear...

i sigh again

memories

come haunt me

when am bare and dry

pester me

let me not rest

wrench my heart

strangle me

make me cry

come tease me

when am up and about

tickle me

let my laughter ring

tease me

taunt me

watch me chortle

memories...

come with me....

show me what i was

what i am

what i became

memories....

leave me not

be mine forever

forget you i may want to

though pray

let me not

leave me not alone

come to me in my solitude

come to me in my loneliness

my mirror

to the days long past

moments long cherished

come to me...

let me not forget

It takes very little to make me happy…
The sound of rain, the fragrance of a book, soft music playing somewhere, watching clouds soar by, the sunset, voices of the night, the smell of earth after the rains, the rustle of leaves in the wind, a cup of hot strong coffee, a pillow to hug and sleep, getting wet in the rain, walking along a beach hand in hand with that special person, chocolate melting in my mouth, going to sleep at 3 am and waking up at 12 noon, singing aloud, writing in a new book…

It takes very little to put me off…
Absence of anything to read, having nothing to do, people squabbling, pessimism, a day without speaking to my loved ones, bad smells, animal slaughter, getting stuck while trying to write…

It takes very little to confuse me…
Is it better to do something and then wishing you had not done it? Or nor doing it at all? is it worth making your point if all you earn is a scowl on other’s faces? Why does money hold so much to people when they are aware it can never buy love? Why does Donald duck refuse to wear pants? How can people kill animals and eat them? And yet maintain that they are kind and gentle?...

It takes very little to hate me…
Am hot tempered, hot headed, frank to the point of being ruthlessly blunt, extremely moody, arrogant sometimes, stubborn most times, happen to be in the thick of too many things at once, without even wanting to, I scream, I slam doors, make books, glasses and spoons fly, get offended easily, get irritated easily…

silences

this is killing me the silences...how long can one lie down listening to the rain drops? the wind? the birds twittering? forever would have been my answer sometime earlier.not anymore. its maddening. i roam about my home aimlessly my feverish head telling me i need to lie down but somehow am fed of lying down. just lying down with nothing to do or lets say not having enough in you to do anything, when all you have to look forward to are the timings of your medicines and the chiming of the clock..no wonder i still feel ill having completely recovered.

its at these times that perhaps hearing a voice means so much. when just a simple 'hello' through the phone across miles speaks more than a million words. its when you actually feel better.

i could not but help think about them then, those who have not been as lucky as us..those who have not been blessed with the gift of speech, and hearing. and perhaps all those who have so much challenges before them. i can always call up the person i want to talk to, just to hear his voice, just to convince myself he is there. i can always put on a music to suit my moods. i can sing when i want to. i can call out to people. i can walk. i can run. i can sit. i can stand. but around us arent there many among us who have been denied these privileges?

as someone once told me...arent we lucky to have eyes that see ears that hear and legs that walk? yes arent we? and yet we forget so much. in the race for finding 'bigger' joys we lose out on these little things which in actuality means so much. can any of us think of a day without having the ability to see? to hear? if when we can't why don't we try to make the most out of our lives? as helen keller said-see as u mite be blind tomorrow, hear-as u might be deaf tomorrow, live-as if u might die tomorrow....

a write up-just like that

perhaps this is one of those very rare times when I've sat down to write not because i am itching to write. but because i have nothing better to do. and also because i have a whole pool of thoughts swimming inside my head and i just want to let it settle than swirling them again and make it murkier still...

i happened to read a blog yesterday of my friend wherein he speaks about complex numbers...definitely not my cup of tea.. but he compared it to life and equated it to the real and complex parts. he speaks about how life would have been simpler if the complex or imaginary part was zero...nil..nought..nothing. and it just occurred to me as to how mundane and boring a life would be if i had everything my way...i would forget to enjoy life. i wouldn't know the sheer jubilation of being up every time i fell down. i would perhaps get bored with happiness. now that i have my share of disappointments and sadness and frustrations and desperation, every bit of luck and joy that comes my way is celebrated...i feel jubilant...but yes cant help agreeing with him sometimes as to how i too wish life were not so complicated...but as someone once told me...the questions that life puts forth are simple...its just that the answers make it seem complex...

i kept thinking yesterday how certain people and situations mean to me...and how people who mattered once don't figure in my life anymore as to how some people who never existed for me become so indispensable today.. and the most disturbing part...as to how me too would cease to exist for many a person, as to how me too would mean so much to many...how it was so easy to talk about something that you'd once wished u'd never have to recall...how mechanically it came out...

i have been scornful earlier of people who were fiercely dependant...i could never understand why they couldnt do things on their own...as to why they had to have someone behind them all the time. even now i am not hugely fond of stickos. and i keep telling my sister not to be one. but then again now that i think about it...aren't i too dependant? i cannot exist a day without rambling off everything that happend from the point i brushed my teeth in the morning to the time when i put on my night cap. what would i have done had i not had anyone to listen to me? to scold me for my stupidity? to mock me for my 'slowness' to spur me on when i needed it, to hug me when i was down? what would i have done? and it makes me feel bad that there have been times when i have been right down scornful in my forthright and perhaps brutal ways of people whom i considered 'weaker'(forgive the deregatory term) than me. but again am proud that i was there for them...but i wish i were a bit more graceful.

and now am stuck as to how to conclude this piece of er...writing!!??i guess i thought writing would help me sort out my thoughts...but turns out i reached nowhere....

me!me!me

Eye Color: Black.
Hair Color: Dark brown/Black.
Rightly or Lefty: Rightly!
Zodiac Sign: Capricorn
Shoe Size: 9(ya big foot i know!!)
Drink: Pepsi, Coca-Cola,buttermil(yummy)frappe(double yummy)
Holiday: is any day
Number: 6
Ice Cream Flavor: any will do.... loved black current...having doubts ever sinc ppl started reamrkin it tastes like cough syrup
Amusement Park Ride: tora tora.
Season: summer! winter!spring! rainy is the best
Sport:Cricket,tennis,football




Which one:???????

Hip hop or pop: melodies
Rap or Rock: naaaaa
Movies or plays : movies any day
Silver or Gold: Silver!
Hot or Cold: Both
Winter or Summer: winter
Spring or Summer: spring
Operas or Plays: plays...what r operas by the way
Music Old or New: old
Colored or Black and White: both.
Dogs or Cats: Dogs
Black or White: black
Ribbons or Bows: neither
Cars or Trucks: trains


Have You Ever:
Told a Secret: Yes.
Broken a Bone: yes.
Got into a Fight: Yes...verbal and physical. physical biff bang thud with my sister. verbal with anyone who knows to talk
Plotted Against Someone: hmmm...na i guess :D
Been on TV: yup
Been on the Radio: Nope.
Been to a Concert:Yes
Drank Alcohol: nops
Broken the Law: rules yes....just started driving...so guess this will need updatin LOL
Been on an Airplane:yes
Came Close to Dying: na
Won a Trophy or Medal: yuppies
Believe In Miracles: Yea.
Like The Taste Of Alcohol: dunno haven tasted
Believe In Magic: the kind in harry potter? yes!!yes!!yes!!
Have Any Pets: nopes
Plan To Go To College: been there doen that
Wear Hats: nopes
Hate Yourself: No way...am in love with myself
Wish On Stars: when I was younger LOL.
Like Your Handwriting:well its not bad(p.s am being very very modest)
Believe In Ghosts: Ya.
Have A Weakness: Ya..in fact make it 'many weaknesses'

1. The last person I kissed was: No comment.
2. Never in my life have I: been shot at...thinkin of joining the army
3. The one person who can drive me nuts:anyone anyday...its not too hard
4. When I'm nervous: I bite my nails
5. The last time I cried was: er...er....
6. If I were to get married right now :i would change from Miss vrinda to a Mrs
7. My hair: I love my hair....wish it were curly tho
8. Last Christmas: was a regular day.
9. I should be: crazy writing this
10. When I look in the mirror I see: Me... stupid question
11. If I were a comic character I'd be :CAPTAIN HADDOCK
12. By this time next year: I'd be one year,6 months and 2 days older
13. Current status: taken!
14. I have a hard time understanding: why donald duck refuses to wear pants
15. One time at a family gathering: i had to sing coz ppl were refusing to leave
16. You know I like you if: u like me and stop asking too many questions
17. If I won an award, the first person (people) I would thank would be: ma family
18. Take my advice: i have no use for it anyways
19. My ideal breakfast is: no breakfast
20.Given a wish:i would fast forward 5 years
21. Where do i plan to visit anytime soon: HELL N HEAVEN wanna knw hw it luks
22. If you spend the night at my house: You would probably have to sleep on the floor. i dont share my room

23. The world could do without: idiots...am an exception
24. if i saw god :i'll ask him wat does he mean my makin me wait
25. Most recent thing someone else bought for me:chocolate...my survial kit
26. A better name for me would be:anamika
27. I really want to learn: to fly a plane
28. The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: another human being...nothing cud be weirder
29. I shouldn't have: everything!! he he....

30. Once, at a movie:i cried because i could ahve bought myself a big chocolate with the money i spent on the 'movie'

Random Ramblings-part 3

I have been thinking about what am about to write now for quite a few days. was in a dilemma as to how to put it on paper. because this time the thoughts are more random than usual. an attempt would never be out of place however, and hence this third part in random ramblings.

ever wondered how naming relations limit them? every day we make new relations, with new faces. some relations which happened, some which existed before you even found out you existed, others which you felt did rather exist not. how many such? a mother, father, sister, brother, friend, aunt, uncle, grandmother, grand father, friend, husband, lover...every day a new relation. every day a new name to an unknown face.

the saddest part of these supposed to be comfort zone of relationships is the expectation part. you expect a mother to be loving, caring, forgiving...a father to be protective,someone to admire, to emulate, a grandmother is your mentor, the repertoire of stories, a friend-your shoulder to cry on, your partner in crime...you tend to define people by the role they play in your life. in a sense stereotyping relations. and then probably you end up complaining as to how the same relations choke you.

what about those relations which give you the best of everything? which are perfect yet nameless? which have no boundaries and hence no expectations? what about these relationships ?

this time this post is ridiculously random. bringing to light my handicap of not being able to do justice to the

most genuine of thoughts which has been plaguing me for quite some time now....

random ramblings-contd

1.they say love is the most splendid feeling in the world. i couldnt agree more. its the best state, feeling, everything. but i wonder why many a person whom we considered ideal matches ceased to be so and why many other relations seem to go on and on as if they have not yet done with their honeymoon. i wonderwhy people take love so carelessly sometimes. i mean if you are sure that he/or she is the right person for you, and they are in your life, why do people take it for granted? nothing works that way. true love comes only once. and to a very chosen few. i would cherish it and give it my evrything. coz thats the only way i know to love. and thts the way i'll always be. it saddens me that people give and spend so much less time-quality time with their loved ones. not just lovers, but all those people who care. if you are in love, cherish it. and treasure it. you are one of thsoe very few lucky ones.

2.bored of boredom!! seriously. these days all i get to do is to breathe. a very time consuming activity which takes place 24X7 and takes up all of my time. who am i kidding? guess boredom has reached new heights. and so has my laziness. imagine getting up at 8 am, waiting for my parents to leave for work at 8.30, go back and hit the sack again and get up at 11, oops i do brush my teeth in btw. sit in front of the paper, yawn at the obvious lack of interesting topics to read, think about having a nice hot strong cup of coffee, but skip it coz making it is a bother and ther's always the washing up to do afterwards, sit in front of my system, log in to orkut, see no one online, well people as unempyoled as me are perhaps rare species. sigh, coz no scraps to reply to. go check my cell. no miss calls no messages. sigh again. lie on the bed. think about something, keep thinking about it even after you wake up, coz thinkin alwys puts me to sleep, a minimum of one hour guaranteed. get up again. put on the tv. see the repeats of soem dumb K-serials. look at 'lookable' guys. switch of the tv. go to the kitchen have food. sleep again.....gosh and its only 12 noon. seriously am bored even writing about my industirous hours...and yes lazy too....signing off. ciao

mazha

Etho raagathin thaalamay
Etho naadathin swaramay
Etho bhaavathin thanalaay
Enikkay peythu thorunnu
Ennum ee mazha

Ennum en kali vanjikalkaai
Veeshi ulayunna venjamarangalkkai
Anayathe kathunna en nenjin jvaalakkai
Ennum peyyunnu
Enikkai maathram ee mazha

Ekayam neelambarathin saandramaam koottay
Peythu thoraatha kanneerumay
Maunam vaachaalamaakkunna nombarangalkkai
Peythu thoroo orikkal koodi
Ennum enikkai maathram

Friend or lover?

Hand in hand
We walked on the sand
Beyond the woods
And away from the birds
On a wooden bench we sat

Love was in the air
And sweet was its smell
As eyes met eyes
I wondered

Was this friendship in love?
Or was this love in friendship?
Even as our hands broke apart
I never knew
Was this friendship in love?
Was he my lover or my friend?

Random Ramblings

1. am sick and tired of people making a hue and cry in the name of religion. why cant people let others be? i know it is easier said than done. but its just that opening the morning paper (er...in the afternoons mostly) to reports of religious violence is pathetic. the recent controversy about M.F hussain and the student from Baroda. are we people so fickle in our faiths that we let fictional novels and cartoons and paintings unhinge us? well ok they could have spared gods and godesses. but just think about it-everyone except most christians welcomed Da Vinci Code and branded it a great read. so is the case with the cartoon of Nabi and the painting of Goddess Saraswati. for heaven's sake, just consider these "ART" and nothing more. my faith is not going to be shattered even if people go about making paintings or cartoons or books about gods. i believe God. in what form he exists is immaterial. let him be krishna, shiva hanuman or Ganesha, he could also be nabi or ?Jesus christ, after all religion is supposed to provide solace to troubled minds, a place where you seek reassurance that your troubles will be sorted out. on the contrary if the same religion is teh root cause of troubles and violence, i'd rather remain an atheist

2. why do i burst out always and end up hurting others? and more often me more than the other person? something like the victim being the victimised. and then again why have i not been able to blast out at that special person? i guess i have answered it myself earlier but it kinda plays on my mind again. did i just become mature with the person concerned or am i actually getting there...maturity i mean!

3.getting lost- this is what i do almost always. no am a pretty good globe trotter. in the sense i do have a fairly good sense of direction. i was talking about my emotions. and the thoughts that my mind conjures. most often i end up where i belong and then end up on a plane very different from the one i started from. its disturbing at times coz i lose track of what i actually wanted to think. but on the flip side, it is really really intruiging, the mind plays.

a lot of trash

i am sitting here in front of my system, the net connection on, the music turned on(as usual),my animation project taking a while to render(as usual again).my mind is at its confused best. its taking long winded yet quick journeys through oft traversed paths, leaving me confused,elated but for the most part drained. its funny how sometimes thinking of beautiful things leave you exhausted and drained and funnier still how you laugh thinking about those times when you had shed a tear.

here i was, with practically nothing to do, though from somewhere a guilty voice reminds me of many a promise made, i chose to ignore it. and carried on with my nothingness, my mad thoughts for company. am in one of those moods when everything is going smooth and yet i walk around with the sky-has-fallen on my head air. i cant seem to get out of it. or should i say i was and am not trying? i guess so. but what the heck.

if i could just move as fast as my mind does or at least put a rein to it, and take time to rest in the shadow of some pleasant memories that my mind deemed fit to travel through...i would perhaps get out of my moods faster. but there is one weird thing, once i get in one of those moods, i kind of enjoy being in them, in the sense i dont exactly revel in it or have a 100 watt smile in place, but i dont try too hard to get out of it,one reson for it perhaps bein that i enjoy being in good spirits all the more after i get out of my moods.

i dont know what i ahve written here. another indication of my state. i guess i have gotten myself convinced that i am in a bad mood. and that too without any slid reason. no not without any.i do have my reaosns. but reasons which are baseless and about which i can do nothing about.and perhaps those reasons which are putting me off betetr remain that way.coz i couldn ask for a better life than the one i am leading now. and i really cant afford to be demanding, when god in all his benevolance has given me so much.

signing off after having written nothing...or what seems like nothing

Oru Chembaneer Pooviruthu ...

Oru Chembaneer Pooviruthu njanomale
Oru vela nin nerkku neettiyilla
Enkilum engane nee arinju
Ente chembaneer pookkunnathaay ninakkaay
Sungandam parathunnathaay ninakkaay
Parayoo nee parayoo parayoo nee parayoo
(oru chembaneer)

Akame niranja snehamaam maadhuryam
Oru vaakkinaal thottu njaan nalkiyilla
Nira neela raavile ekaanthathayil
Nin mizhiyile nanavoppi maaychathilla
Enkilum neeyarinju en ninavennum
Nin ninavariyunnathaay
Ninne thazhukunnathaay
(oru chembaneer)

Thaniye thelinja raagamay sreeraagam
Oru maathra neeyothu njaan mooliyilla
Pular manju peyyunna yaamathilum
Nin mrudhumeni onnu punarnnathilla
Engilum neeyarinju en manamennum
Nin manamariyunnathaay
Nine thalodunnathaay
(oru chembaneer)



just thought of posting is....one of my favourite songs...
the lyrics mean a lot...especially these days....

i was here all along!!!

Looks like I have ended up

Where I began, again!

Though am not too sure

Where exactly I began

And began what exactly.

And yet am sure

I’ve been here before

The smells, the sounds,

The faces…

Is this the place I wanted to be?

The place that is to be my destiny?

Do I escape?

Do I turn around?

And run

But a coward I am not

Turn back I will not.

Is this where I wanted to be?

I guess so.

I didn’t turn back.

Forward did I go

And ended up

Nay

Found myself

In a place I was searching for

Not knowing

I was there all along.

Headlines today???

Aishwarya Rai to put mehendi on her left hand at sharp 8.30 pm tonight. Abhishek Bacchan confused about which sherwani to wear for sangeet…

No am not a reporter for any news channel. Though I could make it, if were to give these kind of above mentioned statements as “flash news” and “breaking news”. Seriously, who is interested in what color underwear Abhishek is wearing for his wedding or what brand of hair pin Aishwarya is going to wear? Not me. They can very well get married, oh yes. They can. But why should the whole country (that’s what it is being made to look like anyway) be sitting on pins and needles as if watching a super exciting climax scene in a James Bond movie to watch a wedding (!) of all the things. For all we know these people could very well divorce each other in days. Though am not wishing for that. God bless them and may they have a fulfilling life together. But heavens, don’t we have any thing else to see on TV?

A few weeks ago it was Arun Nayar and Liz Hurley wedding making ripples (!) along the world. It was the only “breaking news” many a news channel could report. Shocking! Ridiculous to the point of being ridiculously ridiculous.

I mean I would find it meaningful if they showcased this kind of news in their entertainment section or something of that sort. But breaking news?? Give me a break!!

Has media to stoop this low? Isn’t there anything called plain old traditional journalism? I would rather enjoy (!) a story about the Virginia tech shoot out or Rahul Gandhi’s election campaign than a half an hour video coverage of Richard Gere kissing Shilpa Shetty. And by the way I still can’t understand why the raucous was created on the kissing. If you can watch with lolling tongues Mallika Sherawat running around in bikini straps exposing not just a fair bit of her “plus points” why (the hell) should anyone oppose the kissing? Hypocrisy taking newer levels per day.

Sad state of affairs. I think I should restrict my TV watching to (ugh!!) K-serials. At least they are guaranteed to be ridiculous with all the saas-bahu and 5 generation long ‘stories’ at least you are not expected to take it seriously.

tell me not goodbye

tell me not goodbye

when all i want is

to be in your arms

look not at me like that

i just want to be yours

*

tell me not good bye

*

i stand with my heart

asleep in my soul

kiss it awake

and never let it sleep

let me be yours

for ever and for ever on

*

tell me not goodbye

*

to touch your face

to rustle your hair

to look at you forever

to love you till eternity

nothing else matters

nothing else counts

*

tell me not goodbye

*

tell me not goodbye
when all i want is
to be in your arms

tell me not goodbye

tell me not goodbye

death...

Death is something that has never failed to fascinate me. its just that fact that you never know what happens after death that drew me to it. and also a curiosity..what if i am dead today? will people around miss me? will a drop of tear be shed for me?

People wish they could live on and on...see people around them grow up, see their progeny make a name for themselves, perhaps even see their grand children grow up..the wishes and the wants never end...

A few months ago i held a fascination for death a bit more than usual. there were moments when i would contemplate the best time to die...would it be when am old and bent, when i have seen my children grow up and have my grandchildren hop on my lap? but then what if at that time i am bed ridden? when my sheer presence or my being alive becomes a burden to those around? what if i am unable to recognise the faces around me? what if all those dear ones with whom i had grown up has already left for god's abode? terror was something that seized me then.

Then i thought...i would like to die young. when my skin is still supple, my thoughts still fresh, when the people around me would never expect me to be absent in their life..that would ensure that i was missed..and that people would talk about me...but then that was grossly selfish. and am not made that way. why should i hope to die young when people around me would be struggling to come to terms with my absence...

somehow as the days went by, my thoughts and fascination associated with death ceased. i almost forgot my fascination. perhaps because i found a reason to live. a reason which drives out all negative thoughts from my mind and leaves me with a clean slate. if there is anything that i wouldn't even want to think of is the D word. it is heart crunching to even think of leaving the world. this time around it is not just because i want to live, but because there are people who need me to be alive. and without me would perhaps never 'live'.

i need to live. i want to. there is nothing bigger that i want. just to live.....for people who mean....

Khoon se khelenge holi gar vatan muskhil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Dekhna hai zor kitna baazu-e-qaatil mein hai
Karta nahin kyun doosra kuch baat-cheet

Dekhta hun main jise woh chup teri mehfil mein hai

Aye shaheed-e-mulk-o-millat main tere oopar nisaar

Ab teri himmat ka charcha ghair ki mehfil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Waqt aanay dey bata denge tujhe aye aasman

Hum abhi se kya batayen kya hamare dil mein hai

Khainch kar layee hai sab ko qatl hone ki ummeed

Aashiqon ka aaj jumghat koocha-e-qaatil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Hai liye hathiyaar dushman taak mein baitha udhar

Aur hum taiyyaar hain seena liye apna idhar

Khoon se khelenge holi gar vatan muskhil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Haath jin mein ho junoon katt te nahi talvaar se

Sar jo uth jaate hain voh jhukte nahi lalkaar se

Aur bhadkega jo shola-sa humaare dil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Hum to ghar se nikle hi the baandhkar sar pe kafan

Jaan hatheli par liye lo bhar chale hain ye qadam

Zindagi to apni mehmaan maut ki mehfil mein hai

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai

Yuun khadaa maqtal mein qaatil kah rahaa hai baar baar

Kya tamannaa-e-shahaadat bhi kisee ke dil mein hai

Dil mein tuufaanon ki toli aur nason mein inqilaab

Hosh dushman ke udaa denge humein roko na aaj

Duur reh paaye jo humse dam kahaan manzil mein hai
Sarfaroshi ki tamanna ab hamaare dil mein hai.

Dekhna hai zor kitna baazuay qaatil mein hai.

Sarfaroshi ki tamanna is a poem by the popular Indian revolutionary Ram Prasad Bismil. A song which I heard for the first time in the movie legend of Bhagat Singh, and then again in the movie rang de basanti.
Seeing Atul Kulkarni say the lines with fervor made the hairs on my hands stand up. Whether it was because of my liking for the actor, the way he rendered the lines or the sheer power of the lines, am not sure.
Rang De Basanti was on TV recently. One of my all time favourite movies, one which I have seen not less than 5 times. I enjoy every bit of it. The humor, the wit, sarcasm and the reticent romance, and the indispensable feel of patriotism.
I love the part when R.Madhavan says “har desh perfect nahi hoti. Use perfect banana padta hein”. Brilliant!! How true! We never tire ourselves comparing our ‘impoverished’ motherland to the giants like America and the like. But how many of us do actually even dream of making a better India ? How many of us even dare to dream of a better India ? All we people know is to get a B-degree from somewhere and fly of to a foreign land, making big bucks and licking the asses of those people who we tried so hard to kick out.
It is a sad state of affairs when we need movies like RDB and Bhagat Singh to bring out the patriot in us. It is true in my case too. I watch these movies; I love them by the way, and for a maximum of 2-3 days am smitten by the patriotic bug. The only songs I sing and listen to then, are the "e mere watan ke logon"s and "sarfaroshi ki tamanna"s. I dream of perhaps having been born at the time of the independence struggle, perhaps as someone who participated in the protest marches. All these are feelings which overpower me, but sadly only when a stimulus attacks. A stimulus like a (mere) bollywood movie. Sad!
There are quite a few lines in the movie(RDB) which are food for thought. For example when amir khan says “ zindgi jeene ki do tareekein hote hein. Ek jo hota hein hone do, bardasht karte jaao, aur doosra,zimmedari udhao usko badalne ki” I found myself thinking in which category I belonged to. And sadly (again!), I guess I fall into the former. Though somewhere there is a rebel in me. And though I consider it my weakness to actually wait for something, anything to bring out that rebel in me, I am at least relieved that there is a fire in which I term as ‘healthy patriotism’.
Though I am crippled by my family and others who care, about not letting me be in the army, or air force preferably, I quote bismil again "Even if I have to face death a thousand times for the sake of my Motherland, I shall not be sorry. Oh Lord! Grant me a hundred births in Bharath. But grant me this, too, that each time I may give up my life in the service of the Mother land."

My city- Cochin

Cochin is growing faster than most cities in India. This means that it is growing faster than most cities in the world and certainly faster than most cities in more economically developed countries. The consequence is more people, more buildings and more vehicles. Every month hundreds of new vehicles are registered in the city and this leads to ever greater congestion and air and noise pollution. The problems are exacerbated in less economically developed countries like India where people with little money keep old, inefficient and less environmentally-friendly vehicles on the road. These are responsible for far more fumes and noxious gases than modern vehicles. Also, many people put cheaper kerosene in their petrol tanks to save money but resulting in more pollution and less efficient engines. There are also fewer funds to police properly air and noise pollution sources and any infringements of pollution laws.

Cochin may be the real `happening' city in the State, galloping to the status of a metropolis. But perhaps the only aspect, at least for now, that elevates the city straight to this hall of (ill) fame, is the chaotic traffic system that chokes the city. Driving in Cochin is like working on a Six Sigma process. There are a million opportunities for a defect; in this case a process defect being defined as “getting a dent in your car”. A day with less than 3.4 scratches, dents or bent bumpers means that your driving for the day is Six Sigma qualified.
In India we have right hand drive. And it is common throughout the country, not particularly different in Cochin City. The only small hitch here is that we have a particular species of people called overtake-only-thru-the left drivers. They can at any given time create life hell for you. Then there are those bus drivers who act as if they are the greatest horn players in the world…honking and blaring for all they are worth, their musical extravaganza enjoyed by everyone except normal beings. With such varied species around; Cochin roads are a reflection of life itself. Like in life there are no road signs when u require it and you have to guess by the number of vehicles going into a particular road or open your inner eye and see whether it will lead you to MG road. And in this One-way city if miss a turn, you have to orbit the city like a dogged satellite to get near the same point.
Any visitor here or the regular commuters are left cursing the never-ending traffic snarls and the haphazard parking system in force here. It's true that numerous privately owned pre-paid parking areas have sprouted up in the city of late. But this does not in anyway ease the gravity of the prevailing situation that seems to get out of hand with every passing day. Strangely, the powers that be have not really put their heads together to address this situation.
Making hay of this confused state of affairs are the vehicle lifters, who have found Cochin a real goldmine for their nefarious activities. A look at the police records would show that vehicle owners of this city run a greater risk than those of the other cities in the State.
To make matters worse are the conditions of the roads in the city. The craters on moon could provide better pictures sometimes. To reduce the traffic menace in the city the, authorities are planning the building of flyovers. However, in my opinion, the only result of that will be more digging up of roads, and narrowing of existing roads that not even a fly can pass through.
Talking about flies; how can you forget mosquitoes; another remarkable phenomenon hereabouts. At around 5’O clock every evening we have the beginning of the ‘charge of the night brigade’. It goes on and on into the night entertaining you for all their might. Since the no: of software engineers are on the increase in Cochin, mosquitoes have a gala time with these “soft” targets. Dust, stagnant water bodies, open land, all these make it cosier for the mosquito wings to spread. And that quite makes sultry Cochin a happening place. But the city's number one mosquito breeding point adds a lot of other flavours too. The Thevara-Perandoor Canal is an epic by itself. The Canal which runs through the heart of the city, has been calling for mercy since time immemorial. Meat waste, including cow heads and goatskin, are a regular sight. Besides waste from hospitals and apartments give the water a dirty lustrous colour.
Cochin however never fails to attract tourists from around the world, throughout the year; after all, it is the commercial capital of Kerala-God’s Own Country. But, Cochin really needs to address its problems to keep on attracting tourists. Life has become choking to people who live here and it is necessary that the authorities put in their effort to make life better for them.

mujhko bhi to lift karade!!!

nice song by adnan sami...but thats not what am planning to write on. what exactly are lifts for? to lift you up right? well it also aids in locking you up

lifts are some of the best places in the world. all you need to do is to punch in the floor u want to alight, and just wait for it to take you there. and if you are alone well you get a lot of uninterrupted time in front of the mirror. some luxury which i cant afford at home as there are a lot of people vying for their 30 mins(at least) of beautification and self appreciation( depreciation).

it was not different yesterday. i got in the lift, punched the number 6 with some difficulty, and the doors closed and we lurched forward. glad that i was alone, i turned my whole attention to the 8 feet X 3 feet big mirror, and set about setting right (or attempting to set right) my wind blown mess of a hair.

suddenly i found myself in pitch darkness.and the lift screeched to a stop. god!! a power failure. now how do i set my hair right? no seriously how do i get out? how long will i have to stay? will anyone know am stuck up here?

and then this thought came to mind, or rather the song...
nahi nahi
abhi nahi
thoda karo intezaar...

ideal/typical song situation if by any chance i was stuck up in the lift with that special person.

aw come on. who am i kidding. wat am i doing here wasting my time fantasizing when i should be thinking of what to do to get me out.

i tried prising the doors of the lift open. though the inner shutters opened i couldn for the life of me prise open the outer grill. worse i dint know which floor i was in. nor did i know (tho i guessed i was not) if the lift had come to stop at a floor.

brainwave!! what are mobile phones for? there was one obvious number i would punch. but it wouldn serve the purpose not now, other than perhaps just send that person in jitters too. so i kept my head on...(oh yes!! i do have one) and dialed up sir at the institute who i was pretty sure would be there.

thankfully sir and my batch mate could open the doors and out i jumped... glad i could finally get out. disappointed my hair was still a mess

red

i stand with my palette
the canvas bare
the brushes dry

what do i make?
a painting?
a slice of life?
life itself?

red oozes out of the tube
the brushes drip with it
the colour of birth
is splashed on to the canvas
-blood

a heart beats
for someone else
thumps,sighs
fills up with love
love is painted
red

somewhere a heart breaks
shatters
tears run down
for a heart so broken
tears which pain
tears which smell
of the red warm blood

someone flips a calender
searching for red
in the multitude of of black
a smile forms
a finger stops on a holiday
a red number

i pick up my brush again
and paint a life
emotions dripped in colour
a red sun rises
a new day begins

To my bestest friend

In friendship, few things matter the most, like faith, generosity and love. For faith strengthens the bond, generosity makes it precious and love makes it last 4ever. And our friendship is just the same, just as wonderful.

I never thought that one day you would be my friends, never dreamt that you would be such an inseparable part of me ,I never realized that time would refuse to tick for me if it wasn’t for you. But you have. You are my soul now. I am you and you are me. How did this happen? How could just two years with you give me that feeling of contentment when I am with you? You have touched my heart in more ways than one; you have become my everything, the essence of my life.

Your words speak my mind, your actions show my words, your accomplishments speak for my actions. I turn to you now always, for comfort and advice. I fondly call you my advisor and lovingly call you my dream. . I have many friends, some the hi-bye friends and some loyal ones too, but…You are the friend for whom I had searched throughout my life, and you will always remain my special friend.

I always want you to stick by me as I always will. Times will pass my friend, but our friendship will never fade…I’ll be on your side, today and always. Our school life has ended but the bonds that bind us together will never break. It cannot. Let us promise to care for each other, let us promise to find time for each other, let’s commit ourselves to this ever widening circle of companionship throughout the journey of life…

Let’s be like this for ever…lets always remain THE BESTEST OF FRIENDS

I am only one

I complained once to my mother that she was being too strict…and that because she wouldn’t let me buy another pair of those beautiful sandals. My best friend had just bought her 3 rd pair and I wanted one just like that too…me and my mother squabbled all the way down the road…I was so engrossed in making my point clear to my mother that I wasn’t looking where I was headed and I crashed headlong into a small girl walking towards me.

She stretched out her little grubby palm towards me in the hope of getting at least a 25 paisa coin. I looked at her small round face. With a bit of soap and effort she would most definitely look like a little angel. Her eyes, as black as currents peered at me earnestly. It was raining outside and windy too. The child had nothing on her except for a torn, worn dress which gave no clue as to what its colour was. She wore nothing on her bare feet and she was standing in a pool of murky water that was overflowing from the drains. I looked down at my own well covered and protected, pedicured feet.


I would be lying if said that I gave up my money that I had set aside for my sandals to the poor girl. I would be lying still if I said I dint buy the sandals after all, because I did. But it would never be a lie if I said that the image of the poor little child and her bare legs never taunted me...it did and it does still…I think of her almost every time I put on that sandals. I wish now that I had not bought them. And I wish I had given the little child something better than a measly 2 rupee coin.

I come across many a small child on the street but none left the kind of impression on me than this girl. I wonder what it was that makes me remember her even now almost 2 years after I met her. I always felt sympathy towards the under privileged, I wished someone would do some thing for them. But now I realize…it’s not just” some one “who is got to help them…it is me. It is me who ahs got to do some thing. It is me who has to feel empathy and not sympathy…It is me who’s got to lend a helping hand… as Edward Everett Hale says-“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.

Even if it is a matter of giving up my watching of my favourite soap on television (I can always catch the repeat later), or if it is a matter of skipping the premiers of a much awaited movie (I can always watch it later) or if it is skipping a party (my friends are still going to be there for me) I will definitely try to do my bit to help my lesser lucky sisters and brothers.

Marian Wright Edelman once said- We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee.
And that is going to be motto…to do what ever I can, do what little I can, to live as simply as I can, so that many others may simply-live. After all no one really knows what is in future for us…we might end up just like some of them, alone and uncared for…if that is what is in store for us maybe God will help us out there sending us angels to help us…just like he is helping out some others by sending us to them as angels…

When is life a lie???

I ask you when it is not? Some one asks you “how are you” and you reply with that clichéd expression “am fine”...when actually you are a far cry from being fine…you reply because that is what is expected of you…basic etiquette. It may be manners to answer that way…but are you being truthful??

How many such instances in life when you live a lie, present themselves before you? I am living a lie even at this moment. I want to be anywhere else but here. I want to do something other than what I am doing right now but I can’t. Because that is exactly what the society and my family doesn’t want me to be. So I compromise with life and live the way I need to rather than going for what I want to. I do not complain or rather I am not expected to. Because again I am living a lie…of being the perfect woman, the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect friend. When in reality it is these very things that strangle me. The expectations on me that I am supposed to meet…they choke me…but I am expected to put up with it, smile and say I cannot have a better life than this. Isn’t it a lie too?

I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a friend. But when will I be me? When will I be just Vrinda? Isn’t this living a lie? Being what I am needed to? Rather than being me? I write my story today. I want to put in all that I feel, want to bring out the rebel in me. But one day my mother will read it. And perhaps tomorrow, my sons and daughters. Will I want them to know what I am exactly, than what I seem to be? Strange the things you want out of life. Sometimes I want people to know me for what I am. Not for what they want me to be. Yet some part of me wishes that no one knows me completely. Because in my heart of hearts I am afraid. All that I consider mine today, will they remain mine tomorrow if I bring out “the real me”? But again, who is the real me? Do I lie to myself about me?

Today I love someone who once left me burnt and broken. But someone told me to be careful don’t let yourself be cheated again. And so I lie. I tell him that I have come a long way. And that I am trying to put my past behind me. Why? Coz I care about myself? Or coz someone told me to be careful? I don’t know.

I make a wall around me. The attitude wall. So that people don’t come close to me. People who became close to me have hurt me in some way or the other. Or, maybe I could not accept them to go away from me. So now I don’t allow anyone or at least try not to let anyone see the real me. When I care about someone, I care not the least for anything else and give them my whole self. But time and time again I have been let down, shattered to pieces. So now am scared. What if this happens to me again? So I live in solitude. Living another lie. When I really love being with people, when I love being a simple girl, I put up a mask of the confident and strapping Vrinda. True it has earned me many a recognition. But all material. I become an enigma. But then again people who know me see thru my mask and am shattered. Why? When I should be happy that they can see the real me? I don’t know

Now I don’t know what I am. Am I the Vrinda who used to be b4? The simple, fun loving, bubbly kind? Who was so diplomatic and so caring that never from my mouth have I voiced my opinion if I felt it hurt someone? Or have I really changed? I find myself being frank. Too frank sometimes. This leaves me satisfied for a moment but then leaves me drained thinking about the fact that maybe I hurt someone. What do I do? What am I supposed to do? I want to be myself. The real me. But who is that?

Maybe I am a coward. Maybe that is why I live a lie. But is wishing that you have all those people you care for with you always…a form of cowardice? Is wanting your world to look perfect even if it really is not, a sign of not being intrepid? Why do I hold myself back? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll never will. This question will always linger in my mind…should I live my live in the way that will make many others happy? Or should I live my life my way and make me happy? But then again is the question…will I be happy if people around me are not? So I chose to live this lie…

Wilting away

I stood in the rain and watched the multitude of people and vehicles scurry past me. But in reality, not really seeing anything at all…

Some part of me wanted to scream, to cry, to die….

I wanted to cry but not a tear kissed the corners of my eyes. The rain pelted my face, ran along, touched my eyes and lavished themselves on my cheeks. They were trying to mock my eyes into shedding a tear or so it seemed to me….

My mouth was dry, my lips were trembling and my hands were cold…

I buried my face in my hands and realized that you wouldn’t take my face in your strong hands…not anymore…

How easy it was for you to tell me to leave you alone…but how much more difficult for me to let you go….I had dreaded this day since the beginning…but why, when I had so much faith in you I don’t know...I really don’t…

Maybe my love never reached your heart… perhaps my care never touched your soul…or maybe I never told you often enough how much you meant to me…..

Though I know I did nothing wrong, I still try to find fault with me….because for me you are perfect and always will be. I can never think badly of you though you left me burnt and broken….

I know that I am alone now and that you don’t need me anymore…but will you come in my solitude as a whiff of air, a plaintive song, a sweet fragrance? I can’t seem to let you go…you are that part of me that I’ll never learn to live without…

I should perhaps thank you for all those beautiful moments that once you gave me…I’ll cherish them forever and treasure them in my heart…

Nothing will ever be the same again…my little coloured canvas is drenched in rain and I see the colours leak…you left me alone when I needed you most…but I’ll never blame you…because for me you are still perfect….

I wanted to scream, to cry, to die….but I knew …I had already died…..

I stood in the rain and saw people and motor scurry past me…but never really saw them all…

me

I may not talk to you at first sight
Take not my timidity for arrogance.
I may keep a ‘distance’ between us
Know that I too like my privacy.
I may not speak much
Understand that it’s not my strength.
I might ask you a million questions
Have patience to listen to them,
I may have only you to ask that to.

I may appear too confused and too muddled
Take it as a part of me
I may flare up soon
Know that I cool down faster
I may seem stupid
Know that I still have some brains left in me

I may seem jealous if you keep talking about another girl
Understand that it’s just my possessiveness
My eyes water soon
Please try not to be the cause
I have my mood swings
Know that I like you with me in those times

I may not tell you often how much you mean to me
But know that I still care for you from the depths of my heart
I may not hold hands in public
I wouldn’t want you to be embarrassed
I may sing aloud often
Tell me if I am bad…
But I may not stop

I will never judge you whatever come
Try not to judge me too
I might appear lost
Know that I would need you to show me the way
I may not live up to your expectations
Know that I too have my limits

I might end up forgetting how you look
But I’ll never forget how you made me feel
I may be timid
Know that I am not weak
I might try my hand at everything
But I need you to spur me on
Coz you help me be strong

I might ask you again and again
What I mean to you
Know that it’s not my doubt
But my love to hear you tell me what I am to you
That I ask you often
Remember in your honesty my pride.
If you don't want to see me, please don't hide
The truth, yet tell it with some art.